Congratulations.

I just wanted to squeeze her chubby, rosy cheeks and declare,
"Congratulations! You're perfect."
She was. I didn't feel a tinge of jealousy. Not one.
I felt something I couldn't place.
Maybe it was fear.
Whatever it was
caused my breath
to
quicken
and
my
heart
to
race.
I didn't want what she had,
but it bothered me that what she had
never really wanted me.
That was it.
Yes.
Regret.
Wasted
time
and
words.
Much
like
this
poem.



Christina Sawyer (c) 2013

Perhaps, Perhaps.

Shall you count the endless strands
that cascade past my shoulders?
Shall I trace my fingers across
your pale forehead,
down the bridge of your nose,
and over your rosy lips?

Shall you envelop me
in an embrace which
comforts and affirms?
Shall I sit upon your lap
and hum you a tune
I've never heard?

Shall you laugh at all
my subtle habits,
with pale eyes that
seem to see more
than I want you to?
Shall I beg you to sing
just because I adore
your tenor voice?

Perhaps, perhaps.
There is always a chance.
But I'd rather have
friendship
than
lose
to
romance.

Christina Sawyer (c) 2013.

Your Smoke, My Mirrors.

You're holding me back

without saying a word,

grabbing my collar

with no sound to be heard.

I feel your footsteps

as they follow mine.

You're growing closer

as seconds unwind.

I tried to leave you

in the months past,

but I can't shake you.

My mind holds fast.

Cigarettes? Whiskey?

What will it take?

My  soul is desperate 

for some time away.

I don't want to need you.

You're poison. Disease.

I don't want to care,

but to be set free.

Shadows and smoke,

they dance in my hall.

Not sure which is you,

so I run from them all.

To turn back time,

I'd give all of me.

To discover the truth,

I'd cheat and deceive.

Yet in the morning,

I know logic will reign.

'Tis better to lose

than cause me more pain.

Christina Sawyer (c) 2012 .

Christmas, without you.

So,

today

was great.

No, really. The

tree was lit with

 what seemed like thousands of little

twinkling lights, and the food

 was just like I remember. Everyone laughed

and played games as always. And we still

drew fortunes. We even watched our favorite movie.

Yeah, everything was absolutely perfect.

Except for the drive home. I kinda lost it in the passenger

 side. I couldn't help thinking about you. I would've

given just about anything to have you there with us tonight.

I kept a stoic face and fought with everything in me to

keep the tears from trickling down my face, but I just couldn't.

You always were one of my favorite features of the holidays, and I can't

help but recognize your absence. Your voice still lingers in my ears,

and sometimes it just hurts like hell to know that those 

precious memories cannot be repeated. 

"It wouldn't be

 Christmas without 

you,"the song goes.

I never wanted to

understand those

particular lyrics.

Christina Sawyer (c) 2012 

I just wanted you to see.

I wanted you to see my heart,
the one you watched me take apart.
I wanted you to know my fear,
and understand why I stood there.
I wanted you to hold me close,
and fight away unholy ghosts.
I wanted you to be forever,
to be for me the strongest tether.
I wanted nothing more or less,
to stay with you just like this.

Now I understand the wind,
and how it causes things to bend.
It does not know from where it comes,
and sets its course beyond the sun.
I am permanently changed,
undeniably rearranged.
There's no one else that I can be.

I just wanted you to see.

Christina Sawyer (c) 2012.

Rain Come 'A Crashing.

how soothing,

how comforting

it would be

for a cool 

rain 

to come crashing

down

on this hot-headed

roof. 

words screamed

in anger

and frustration,
like steam
from a copper
kettle on
my grandmother's
stove top,

rise up 

through the vents

and escape

through the attic.

some phrases

are trapped

beneath sofas,

under tables,

or stuck

between

polyester 

sweaters

in our

closets.

It's grown

too warm to 

fall into a 

restful slumber.

I toss and turn

in this

sweltering

furnace

of a bedroom.

my body,

attempting to

extinguish

the flames,

has begun to

seep. 

Water cascades

down ivory

cheeks.

how soothing,

how comforting

it would be

for a cool

rain

to come crashing

down.

Christina Sawyer (c) 2012

My God, My God.

Be not far from me
Oh, my God.
Draw me up
into an embrace
so firm and sure
that I cannot
forget.
Cradle me in peace
warm as wool
and strong as iron,
for Anxiety has made
her ripples across
my youthful brow.
Grief has sent her
torrents down my
flushed cheeks.
Be not far  from me
Oh, my God!
My soul is heavy
with the lead weights
of dissatisfaction
and longing.
I am still
waiting for You
here in the same
spot we met last.
If what they say
is true, and You
have not moved,
then when did I?
And although
I've known many
who walked out,
away,
astray,
You have never
been that kind!
I have known You
far too long to think
You would leave me
in this place of pain.
So be not far from me
Oh, my God!
It is a wind
chilled with bitterness
which passes through
the gates of my heart,
across the open courtyard
of my soul,
and into the fortress
of my spirit.
But it cannot dwell
where You are!
Either it will need to go,
or surely You must.
Now I am desperate!
Remove from me
all that is impure,
offensive to You,
and self-serving!
I bolt across the
courtyard, and
sprint through
these gates,
frantically seeking
He who will redeem!

MY GOD MY GOD
BE NOT FAR!
MY GOD MY GOD
BE NOT FAR!
I am calling out
into the immense,
vast space between
You and I!
MY GOD MY GOD!!

Be

.....

not

...

far

..


Christina Sawyer (c) 2012.