Christmas, without you.

So,

today

was great.

No, really. The

tree was lit with

 what seemed like thousands of little

twinkling lights, and the food

 was just like I remember. Everyone laughed

and played games as always. And we still

drew fortunes. We even watched our favorite movie.

Yeah, everything was absolutely perfect.

Except for the drive home. I kinda lost it in the passenger

 side. I couldn't help thinking about you. I would've

given just about anything to have you there with us tonight.

I kept a stoic face and fought with everything in me to

keep the tears from trickling down my face, but I just couldn't.

You always were one of my favorite features of the holidays, and I can't

help but recognize your absence. Your voice still lingers in my ears,

and sometimes it just hurts like hell to know that those 

precious memories cannot be repeated. 

"It wouldn't be

 Christmas without 

you,"the song goes.

I never wanted to

understand those

particular lyrics.

Christina Sawyer (c) 2012 

I just wanted you to see.

I wanted you to see my heart,
the one you watched me take apart.
I wanted you to know my fear,
and understand why I stood there.
I wanted you to hold me close,
and fight away unholy ghosts.
I wanted you to be forever,
to be for me the strongest tether.
I wanted nothing more or less,
to stay with you just like this.

Now I understand the wind,
and how it causes things to bend.
It does not know from where it comes,
and sets its course beyond the sun.
I am permanently changed,
undeniably rearranged.
There's no one else that I can be.

I just wanted you to see.

Christina Sawyer (c) 2012.