Disproportionate to your frame,
you quiver with the weight
of the yoke you bear.
You are so small.
Why are you struggling,
attempting the impossible?
Oh, you've caught a chill.
I would lend you my coat,
but this is not bone deep.
Why are you screaming?!
Smoke ingested,
Moth infested,
Truth rejected.
Floating away...soft laughter...
What the hell are you doing?
Where the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Since you don't know,
They will tell you.
As they slap the label
across your parched lips,
you don't even care.
At least you have a
Name.
Christina Sawyer (c) 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
The Glorious Art of Healing.
New belt cinched 'round my waist.
Every hair in perfect place.
You are calling me again.
I forget the answerin'.
I just saw you yesterday
With your arm across her back.
I remember you that way;
I remember us like that.
Can't say I regret a thing.
Can't say I'm still listening.
But those mem'ries haunt my dreams;
Caught up in the way it seemed.
I guess this is moving on:
When both
hope and hate
are
gone.
Christina Sawyer (c) 2012
Every hair in perfect place.
You are calling me again.
I forget the answerin'.
I just saw you yesterday
With your arm across her back.
I remember you that way;
I remember us like that.
Can't say I regret a thing.
Can't say I'm still listening.
But those mem'ries haunt my dreams;
Caught up in the way it seemed.
I guess this is moving on:
When both
hope and hate
are
gone.
Christina Sawyer (c) 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
High Tide.
Come clean.
Tell me everything.
Let it hit me like a tidal wave.
Slow, steady breaths
As I'm enveloped
By the truth.
I will drown in it.
God knows I've been
Suffocating all this time.
Let it carry me out to sea
In a foamy, briny cradle.
Rock me to sleep in the abyss.
Don't bother to pull me in.
There is nothing for me
On the shore.
Christina Sawyer (c) 2012
Tell me everything.
Let it hit me like a tidal wave.
Slow, steady breaths
As I'm enveloped
By the truth.
I will drown in it.
God knows I've been
Suffocating all this time.
Let it carry me out to sea
In a foamy, briny cradle.
Rock me to sleep in the abyss.
Don't bother to pull me in.
There is nothing for me
On the shore.
Christina Sawyer (c) 2012
Sunday, April 24, 2011
"The Undoing of Reywas"
It's all an idea in my head,
A hopeless, ceaseless, winding thread.
It's all a hoax on a grand scale,
Made of my trust and soon betrayal.
A mockery, but all in jest.
Watch the heart race in my chest.
Faster, faster, see it ache
With every solemn step I take.
Feel the wind rush through the door
As I run forevermore
Through a field white with snow
In a soul that's 10 below.
Is it too ambiguous?
I notice you're now nervous.
Don't you fear, don't you cry.
There's an eye in the sky.
"Every drop of rain you see
Is a tear God cried for me,"
He told me with a sick smile
Growing more ill all the while.
There was something in his eyes
I surely couldn't recognize...
Not quite love, nearly hate..
And how they seemed to calculate!
Every movement, every word
Memorized when seen and heard.
I fell silent as one dumb,
Panicked as my mind went numb.
"Now I am inside your head!,"
Was the last I'd heard he said.
And in the mirror I could see
He was staring back at me.
Christina Sawyer (c) 2011
A hopeless, ceaseless, winding thread.
It's all a hoax on a grand scale,
Made of my trust and soon betrayal.
A mockery, but all in jest.
Watch the heart race in my chest.
Faster, faster, see it ache
With every solemn step I take.
Feel the wind rush through the door
As I run forevermore
Through a field white with snow
In a soul that's 10 below.
Is it too ambiguous?
I notice you're now nervous.
Don't you fear, don't you cry.
There's an eye in the sky.
"Every drop of rain you see
Is a tear God cried for me,"
He told me with a sick smile
Growing more ill all the while.
There was something in his eyes
I surely couldn't recognize...
Not quite love, nearly hate..
And how they seemed to calculate!
Every movement, every word
Memorized when seen and heard.
I fell silent as one dumb,
Panicked as my mind went numb.
"Now I am inside your head!,"
Was the last I'd heard he said.
And in the mirror I could see
He was staring back at me.
Christina Sawyer (c) 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
"Forever, for always, my baby you'll be...."
I don't pretend to be an amazing writer. I don't possess infinite literary prowess. All I know is what I feel and a few words to try to describe those emotions/thoughts. I try very hard to enunciate my spirit...to put characters on a bright screen in the place of the tugging on my heart.
This morning I woke up to brilliance. My room was literally bathed in light. You know what's funny? It made me sad. Very sad. Now, I'm a melancholy person by nature. I see that side of things almost immediately. However, a bright morning has always conjured up happiness before. I felt myself start falingl into a familiar little hole I'd tried to place a shabby piece of cardboard over instead of filling it up. I missed her. I missed her with every single ounce of grief a body can hold.
Then the plane passed over our neighborhood. They do periodically. At our old house, it was a daily occurrance like clockwork. One went by in the afternoon around 1:00 pm everyday as Mom was putting the daycare kids down for a nap. I was small too, and I'd lie on the couch just thinking for a few hours. And I would hear the plane pass over. The sun would be streaming in the windows regardless of the closed blinds..just like at Nani's house.
So I recognized where the nostalgic, melancholy emotion was coming from. I missed the security, predictability, and stability of a time long passed. I missed childhood. I also realized that I haven't dealt with my grief over the most significant and lasting symbol of my childhood: My Nani. A large part of me seemed to be buried with her in that Chicago cemetary nearly a year ago among the saints and petty bouqets of nothing. Little pieces of hope, joy, and laughter lay strewn across her grave like the roses we threw. And I have not let go. I thought I had. I swore I had. But I had not. I could not. She was a symbol of so much of the good in my life for so long.
Certain things will always bring me back to a different time...the smell of pasta or garlic bread, big band music, musicals, a sunny room just like hers, roses, Easter,...the list goes on and on and...
It would be foolish to assume I could ever "move on". I never will. Something like that changes a person. I get it. But I'm not ashamed to say I think of her all the time. I'm not ashamed to say that her picture still makes me bawl like a baby. I'm not ashamed to say I'd do anything...anything...just to talk to her again. So, I'm forewarning you that in 18 days, I'm gonna be emotional. No one needs to ask, "It's been a year...aren't you kinda over it yet?". All that shows me is that they've never lost someone this close to them. And I don't wish it on them.
But I know where she is. Yes. I know. How do I know? This woman had the most genuine faith I've ever seen. She LIVED IT. You cannot tell me she didn't. I saw her lay hands on people and they were healed. I saw her prayers answered over and over again. God was listening to a faithful servant. It is because of her I believe what I do today. She was not afraid to change how she viewed God and start going to born-again, full-gospel Protestant churches despite her traditional background. She was not afraid to face the people who belittled her because of it. And neither will I. She taught me to be bold, just like that sunshine I love so much. Though part of me is gone with her, a larger part of me is taken up by all she taught me living on through me...forever irrevocably entwined. For this blessing I can never thank God enough. I had a real treasure in my life that many never experience. So, in 18 days, I will also celebrate her homecoming to her blessed Savior. She is home. She is healed.
-Christina
This morning I woke up to brilliance. My room was literally bathed in light. You know what's funny? It made me sad. Very sad. Now, I'm a melancholy person by nature. I see that side of things almost immediately. However, a bright morning has always conjured up happiness before. I felt myself start falingl into a familiar little hole I'd tried to place a shabby piece of cardboard over instead of filling it up. I missed her. I missed her with every single ounce of grief a body can hold.
Then the plane passed over our neighborhood. They do periodically. At our old house, it was a daily occurrance like clockwork. One went by in the afternoon around 1:00 pm everyday as Mom was putting the daycare kids down for a nap. I was small too, and I'd lie on the couch just thinking for a few hours. And I would hear the plane pass over. The sun would be streaming in the windows regardless of the closed blinds..just like at Nani's house.
So I recognized where the nostalgic, melancholy emotion was coming from. I missed the security, predictability, and stability of a time long passed. I missed childhood. I also realized that I haven't dealt with my grief over the most significant and lasting symbol of my childhood: My Nani. A large part of me seemed to be buried with her in that Chicago cemetary nearly a year ago among the saints and petty bouqets of nothing. Little pieces of hope, joy, and laughter lay strewn across her grave like the roses we threw. And I have not let go. I thought I had. I swore I had. But I had not. I could not. She was a symbol of so much of the good in my life for so long.
Certain things will always bring me back to a different time...the smell of pasta or garlic bread, big band music, musicals, a sunny room just like hers, roses, Easter,...the list goes on and on and...
It would be foolish to assume I could ever "move on". I never will. Something like that changes a person. I get it. But I'm not ashamed to say I think of her all the time. I'm not ashamed to say that her picture still makes me bawl like a baby. I'm not ashamed to say I'd do anything...anything...just to talk to her again. So, I'm forewarning you that in 18 days, I'm gonna be emotional. No one needs to ask, "It's been a year...aren't you kinda over it yet?". All that shows me is that they've never lost someone this close to them. And I don't wish it on them.
But I know where she is. Yes. I know. How do I know? This woman had the most genuine faith I've ever seen. She LIVED IT. You cannot tell me she didn't. I saw her lay hands on people and they were healed. I saw her prayers answered over and over again. God was listening to a faithful servant. It is because of her I believe what I do today. She was not afraid to change how she viewed God and start going to born-again, full-gospel Protestant churches despite her traditional background. She was not afraid to face the people who belittled her because of it. And neither will I. She taught me to be bold, just like that sunshine I love so much. Though part of me is gone with her, a larger part of me is taken up by all she taught me living on through me...forever irrevocably entwined. For this blessing I can never thank God enough. I had a real treasure in my life that many never experience. So, in 18 days, I will also celebrate her homecoming to her blessed Savior. She is home. She is healed.
-Christina
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The Seizure of Saint's Bay.
Soft strokes at midnight
As the Captain's oars rotate,
Creating ripples on the surface.
The air is cool and ill.
A final gust
Blows frigid with surrender.
Christina Sawyer (c) 2011
As the Captain's oars rotate,
Creating ripples on the surface.
The air is cool and ill.
A final gust
Blows frigid with surrender.
Christina Sawyer (c) 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Glorious Imperfection of Man.
I can't tell you how long it took me to figure out that my version of "perfect" was rather undesirable after all. See, I'm one of those people who will plan something out & pay attention to all the details to make something special. However, I got lost in those details and missed the big picture. Hannah didn't care if her cupcakes were chocolate or vanilla. She just wanted to have fun & celebrate her birthday like any kid. She's just gonna go for the frosting anyway. :) If the sink at work overflows when I'm trying to get ready to do dishes, it's not a big deal. There are things called mops for that. If some coffee spills on my shoes, it's really not the end of the world. I'm learning to take joy in the imperfect moments of life...because those are the times you know you're really living. You're human. If we were truly capable of perfection, there'd be no religion in the world, would there?
I say all this because lately I'm having to really take a good look at colleges and start choosing places I'd like to consider for continued education. It dawned on me as I searched that I don't even know what I really wanna do yet. THAT scared me a lot. I'm the girl with the pocket planner & red pen ready to plan my life....and I'm for once clueless. To tell you the truth, I've never been more relieved. I have no plan, and that's ok. I'm going to continue to work hard, do my best, and place myself in the best position possible for my future so that wherever God leads me, I'm ready to go.
We cannot plan our lives. If there's one thing I've learned, that would be it. All we can do is our best. For me personally, all I can do is seek after God's desires for me and surrender to that. Time and time again I read that He wants me to "seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness"(Matt 6:33) and to live by faith. These are things I feel the modern Christian world takes far too lightly. Those things should undoubtedly affect your whole life! If that means abandoning what some would call "normalcy", so be it. I'm not here to live the American dream. I'm a citizen of the kingdom of God...here for a moment, gone the next. That's alright with me. Just some more thoughts. 'Til next time-Chris
I say all this because lately I'm having to really take a good look at colleges and start choosing places I'd like to consider for continued education. It dawned on me as I searched that I don't even know what I really wanna do yet. THAT scared me a lot. I'm the girl with the pocket planner & red pen ready to plan my life....and I'm for once clueless. To tell you the truth, I've never been more relieved. I have no plan, and that's ok. I'm going to continue to work hard, do my best, and place myself in the best position possible for my future so that wherever God leads me, I'm ready to go.
We cannot plan our lives. If there's one thing I've learned, that would be it. All we can do is our best. For me personally, all I can do is seek after God's desires for me and surrender to that. Time and time again I read that He wants me to "seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness"(Matt 6:33) and to live by faith. These are things I feel the modern Christian world takes far too lightly. Those things should undoubtedly affect your whole life! If that means abandoning what some would call "normalcy", so be it. I'm not here to live the American dream. I'm a citizen of the kingdom of God...here for a moment, gone the next. That's alright with me. Just some more thoughts. 'Til next time-Chris
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