Saturday, September 4, 2010

"Long Ago When I Was."

Long ago when I was young,
Before the moon blocked out the sun,
When the world was good & pure…
We assumed love would endure.

Long ago when I was true
I could stand to look at you.
Never thought before I spoke.
Wasn’t afraid of the smoke.

Long ago when I was strong
No one said that trust was wrong,
So I opened up my heart
To each lie you’d soon impart.

Long ago when I was joy
I would fall for any ploy.
Innocence played in my eyes,
Unaware of my demise.

Long ago when I was hope
I could breathe; I could cope.
Sorrows were just temporary,
Nothing that I couldn’t carry.

Long ago when I was me,
Without insecurity,
I wasn’t ashamed to cry
Over an age-old lullaby.

Long ago is gone and past.
Ignorance just doesn’t last.
So this was another test.
Yes, dear, you’re just like the rest.

 

 

 

Christina Sawyer © 2010

Monday, August 9, 2010

"Noise"

I was born to make some noise,
Right up there with the big boys.
Oh, I'll prove it,
Oh, you'll see,
They won't wanna mess with me!

They're makin' fun of little girls
And their big brown bouncy curls,
But I've put away my toys.
Let's shake it up and make some noise!

Don't tell me what I can't do.
Don't make me prove you a fool.
Don't assume you know what's true.
I'm the exception to your rule.

The thing is that it's not just me
Who's meant for more than this.
We sleep with mediocrity
And vanish in her kiss.

Somewhere between the womb and grave,
We give up the fight.
Under the pressure, there we cave,
And never find our light.

If my dreams were meant for dark,
I'd not sing by day.
If I was not to be a spark,
I'd have nothing to say.

It's something in your spirit,
In your bones, a fire.
And when you finally hear it,
You can't quench the desire...

To be more than a face here,
Not just another name.
This isn't about fame, dear..
It's about the game.

This is the grand smoke-screen.
What is ever real?
Chasing after nothing...
What they call the "ideal".

Do what you can't live without!
And child, do it well!
Stop drinking of the poison, doubt,
And get up where you fell.

Life's only for the living,
That's how it's always been.
To not use what you're given,
Is quite a grave sin.

So get out there and make some noise,
Right up there with the big boys.
You'd better prove it!
I'd better see!
Stop drowning in your apathy!

I'm making fun of fellow man
That does less than it knows it can.
Happy with counterfeit joys...
It's up to us to make the noise.


Christina Sawyer © 2010

(There's no song related to this post, guys. It's just a poem. hah)

Monday, July 26, 2010

So I Thought.

Once upon a time a little girl would rush out the back door every morning and stop dead in her tracks the moment she reached a patch of sun. She'd close her eyes, breathe in...and smile. She'd then run to the swing set and begin her childhood duty of playtime. She'd imagine she was a flight attendant, movie director, waitress...she'd even throw a large bouncy ball up into the air and "play catch with God". No, she was never short on imagination. When she played Barbies, there were no tea parties. Her sessions with them were mini soap operas. Overactive thinkers aren't satisfied with tea and cookies.

Fast forward a few years and the girl was still quite little in form, but growing up fast. The swing set has been long idle, and the Barbies have been stowed away in the attic for future times of nostalgia. Instead she now picks up a pen and notebook and sits on her front porch...once again over analyzing life. She has a hard time relating to people in her fourth grade class because of this. She simply thinks too much. Adults call her "mature"...responsible...She says she's just weird. Doesn't quite fit in...hasn't grown into her thoughts.

Seven years later, she's still the same cautious, imaginative person she's always been, but everything's starting to come full circle. The years of being an only child have been balanced out by the arrival of a sibling. She's learned to accept who she is and stop apologizing for it. High school has brought the realization that she could always relate to people...she was just afraid to. She's spent a good deal of her life in fear. There really wasn't any reason for it. Yes, people let her down and took advantage of her compassionate spirit...but she also had a loving, supportive family. She'd allowed herself to dwell on all she was not and on all the people that had lied to her. She hid herself away for a while...and almost shut everyone out all together...in an attempt to never be hurt by people again.

When she lost someone she dearly loved with all her heart..she felt the old familiar feelings of isolation, doubt, and fear. She retreated into herself again...melting into the music in which she felt safe. She somehow felt like once again she'd loved & lost. But this time for good. Eventually, though, she came to see that she'd left someone very important out of her life lately. He'd always been there...in her faith, doubt, pain, joy, laughter, mourning....and she'd just denied Him over & over assuming He'd let her down too..like everyone else. She told Him she could handle it all on her own. She didn't want to need anyone...because needing and loving makes one vulnerable. It leaves you unguarded. However, that's the only way to truly love.

People started showing up in her life that reminded her of this. She felt herself opening up again...and she was afraid. Terrified. Someone was cracking open her shell...and He wasn't hurting her. As she sat on her front porch once again, years later with an old acoustic guitar in her hands and her heart on her sleeve, she felt Him telling her to just let it all go. To trust Him. Trust? Her young, broken heart wasn't sure it could. But he said if she'd let Him...He could. He could do it all. He didn't need her help to fix her. She was beautifully broken...and He loved her so, so incredibly much. And she cried. And the bitterness left with the tears.

So now she's fully alive...and she can't keep a smile off her face most of the time. The glass isn't half empty or full...but running over. Things aren't perfect..and they'll most likely only get harder...but she's loved. She's safe in Him. She's going to be more than she could've ever been without Him. And so she posts this (unashamed & without reserve) in hopes that someone out there in this world will stumble upon it when reading through random Blogger.com blogs and understand how infinitely valued and cherished they are. Go forth and live. ~C

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Burn Out Brighter (Northern Lights)

Wow. It's been quite a while. A lot's happened in the past three months. The song for this post really reflects my mood at the moment...and yet I'm more optimistic than it seems.

Let me start out by saying that what you want is rarely what you need. All the things I thought I had figured out have fallen apart...and I'm surprisingly happy and at peace with that. At first it was very difficult to accept. I felt like a part of me had died. When you have a dream for so long and hold onto it with all you have, it's so painful to let go. I honestly cried over it...but I had to surrender it to God and let Him do with it what He would. As it turns out, sometimes (as I've heard it said) good things really must fall apart so great things can come together.

Eventually you must come to the end of yourself. You realize that you're one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet and nothing you have is deserved. Every breath you take and day you wake up is like a loan. You pay it back by using them to serve others. See, I guess what made me start blogging on this site again was what happened to me Monday of this week. I served lunch at a soup kitchen for the first time because I was tired of just talking about doing it.

I knew going into it that it would make a huge impact on me...but I had no idea how profound it would be. I arrived at the local church I'd be serving with at 10:00 am. They were heating this chicken cassarole in large pans, and I was instructed to keep an eye on it. I struck up a conversation with an elderly man who attended the church. We talked about many things, but what stayed with me was that we were from two seperate churches, genders, generations...etc...and here we were coming together over a chicken cassarole that we'd be serving at a soup kitchen. When it was time to leave, I got in a van with an elderly couple and mentally prepared for it. I'd hear all the horror stories....people trying to mug you, pedophiles staring you up and down...all the absurd things you hear from people who mean well but honestly don't understand the heart of service. When we arrived, I was struck by the respect and manners these people were portraying. One of the owners/leaders of the facility said it was a rehibilitation center and these individuals were taught to be courteous and thankful for the services rendered. I can honestly tell you I didn't serve ONE person that day who didn't make an attempt to thank me. I was at least 10 years their junior and yet they were saying things like "Yes, Ma'am". I was floored. In shock. My view of the homeless/needy was forever altered. It wasn't ever that I felt more important or "above" them...I just never thought they'd be so respectful.

In serving, I realized that we're all the same. The earth at the foot of the cross is level indeed (as, once again, my pastor says) and we're no better nor worse than anyone else. We need to apply this truth in the way we treat eachother. If we all treated ourselves who are so well off as those people did, this world would be transformed. However, everyone's too self-centered/absorbed to notice anyone else!!! It just solidified the fact that the more material possessions/success you have, the less you recognize your need for God and everyone else's need for common decency/consideration. We judge prematurely and never give anyone a chance. Those individuals had nothing, and in that they were all equals. Why can't we see that?? We too have nothing! All of depraved humanity is THE SAME!! Why do we begin to operate on a self-serve basis and plow over anyone in our way? We put ourselves on these pedastils and it's an absolute shock to us when they crumble.

Life is about relationships...first and foremost ours with Jesus Christ, and then how we relate to others. Don't miss that part of life and serving others just so you can climb this "ladder of success" we're all indoctrinated to pursue through the subliminal messages of the media (which is a whole other post, thanks)!!! *sigh* Ok, guess I'll stop now. Seek and serve. ~C.

(Don't forget guys, the title's the song title and the lyrics to find it through Google are tagged! Peace, Blogspot. ~C.)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

All Apologies.

Everyone's first reaction to hearing someone's lost a loved one is "I'm so sorry"....which seems absurd at first. However, I think it reveals a deep truth. We know in our souls that the problems in this world....evil, sickness, and yes, even death...are partly our fault. We messed up God's perfect world. So, in that phrase, we're admitting that we're the issue. We're subconsciously acknowledging our failure. Just an interesting observation.

I can't take all the credit. One of the pastors at my home church, Mike Breaux, was talking about how despite the fact that God is good, there is suffering and pain. I just applied it to my life right now.

I've taken to replying simply with...."Me too"....because I don't know what else to say. Thank you? No, I don't want to thank someone for being sorry. I'm agreeing with them. I'm sorry too....sorry we live in a world where this exists. I'm sorry I'm part of the problem. I'm sorry I can't fix me, nor you. I'm sorry we can't find a cure for the pain. I'm so completely, totally, unbelievably apologetic. ~C.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Yesterdays.

In loving memory of Rosemary Giammarese: A post I'm writing as it pops into my head. Everything I couldn't say Tuesday night when she passed away.

My breath catches as I stand in the doorway. I see you lying there, motionless. This isn't you. I stare at your chest, waiting for it to rise and fall once again....There must be some mistake. This isn't happening. I stumble forward, grabbing hold of the foot of the bed for stability. My knees are quivering, and I begin to sway as the room begins to spin slowly. It feels like I've swallowed a lump of coal and it's decided to sit heavily in my stomach. I'm growing nauseous. Someone grabs me as I begin to fall. Suddenly I'm sitting in a chair, staring blankly ahead. I sit motionless for what seems like hours. I'm in a state of complete shock, and my mind goes blank. However, the hours are mere moments, and soon I'm flooded with memories. I fish a tissue out of the pocket of my favorite green hoodie as a lump develops in my throat. I hear a terrible sound...a sob that's so heartbreaking I think that whoever it belongs to must be in agony....I discover it's mine. The tears come in uncontrollable streams. I'm gasping for air, and someone's holding me. I can't look at you right now. It all happened so quickly....I never got to say goodbye. The thought brings another pang of pain to my heart. You died alone in this place....another stab of guilt. The nurse says some need to die alone. They can't let go if family is there. A lot of people are saying a lot of things. They're sorry, but I don't get why. I guess that's a safe thing to say. It's comfortable. The phrase is like putting a band aid on a scab. It doesn't do any good, but at least it makes you feel like you're doing something about it. There's also the people that immediately bring up something about God and heaven. At the moment I'm not sure how I feel about either of them.

More people come in the room, and I try to compose myself. They're starting to put your belongings in boxes and bags. It's time for each of us to say our goodbyes. But you told me to never say goodbye. You said it was too final. "Say farewell!" was your only command...because you'd see me again soon. So as I sit here, staring at you with a mix of horror, adoration, and confusion, I won't say goodbye. I say farewell. I can't think of what I want to say. I start to sing in a soft wisper. I sing your favorite songs...."Amazing Grace", "How Great Thou Art", "To God Be The Glory"...and "Take Me Back To Sorento" in Sicilian. I begin to weep again, remembering the days when your aged, yet beautifully passionate voice would join my young, inexperienced one. A smile is toying with the corners of my mouth as I realize this body lying on this bed isn't you anymore!! This shell is all that's left...and your soul is free! As Dad says, you're now with the two greatest loves of your life...Papa Santo and your Lord Jesus Christ! Even though I have so many questions about where you are right now, this peace that surpasses all understand MUST be from God. So my laments are bittersweet....a broken hallelujah. I'll be missing you for as long as I live...but I'm so excited for you. Heaven has gained the beautiful sould we've lost. Yet your soul is so very alive in mine. You're in every sunrise....each rainbow. You're in my smile. I couldn't forget you if I tried. As you say.."So long!....I'll be seeing you." I'll be loving you always. <3

Friday, April 16, 2010

Say It Ain't So.

So, today's song really has nothing to do with my post. I've just been jamming out to it a lot lately. Something about the groove of it just agrees with me immensely. :) It'll give you a glimpse of my mood at the moment...

Anyway, today we had a guest speaker at my school who turned out to be on of the youth pastors at my church. He talked about actually living life instead of just existing. A group of 90-somethings were asked what they'd do if they could go back in time. They answered three different ways. I summarized it for myself in my notes as this:

-Risk (Taking more chances since you only have one shot at life anyway.)
-Reflection (Soaking in those "Wow, that just happened..." moments.)
-Ripples (Making a difference in the world by simply loving one person at a time.)

I figure if you wanna learn how to live, the best person to ask besides Jesus Christ is a 90 year old who already lived, hm? So yeah. Just wanted to share that. Don't take your time here for granted...walking across the same old floor, eating the same old cereal, breathing the same old stale air as you watch the same old tv show whilst sipping your same old coffee from the same old cup. (Kinda paraphrased what the guy said just then.) So....LIVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!! So what if you seemingly "fail" (whatever the qualifications are for that anyway!)?? A life lived isn't wasted....I'll let that one sink in.

~C