So I Thought.

Once upon a time a little girl would rush out the back door every morning and stop dead in her tracks the moment she reached a patch of sun. She'd close her eyes, breathe in...and smile. She'd then run to the swing set and begin her childhood duty of playtime. She'd imagine she was a flight attendant, movie director, waitress...she'd even throw a large bouncy ball up into the air and "play catch with God". No, she was never short on imagination. When she played Barbies, there were no tea parties. Her sessions with them were mini soap operas. Overactive thinkers aren't satisfied with tea and cookies.

Fast forward a few years and the girl was still quite little in form, but growing up fast. The swing set has been long idle, and the Barbies have been stowed away in the attic for future times of nostalgia. Instead she now picks up a pen and notebook and sits on her front porch...once again over analyzing life. She has a hard time relating to people in her fourth grade class because of this. She simply thinks too much. Adults call her "mature"...responsible...She says she's just weird. Doesn't quite fit in...hasn't grown into her thoughts.

Seven years later, she's still the same cautious, imaginative person she's always been, but everything's starting to come full circle. The years of being an only child have been balanced out by the arrival of a sibling. She's learned to accept who she is and stop apologizing for it. High school has brought the realization that she could always relate to people...she was just afraid to. She's spent a good deal of her life in fear. There really wasn't any reason for it. Yes, people let her down and took advantage of her compassionate spirit...but she also had a loving, supportive family. She'd allowed herself to dwell on all she was not and on all the people that had lied to her. She hid herself away for a while...and almost shut everyone out all together...in an attempt to never be hurt by people again.

When she lost someone she dearly loved with all her heart..she felt the old familiar feelings of isolation, doubt, and fear. She retreated into herself again...melting into the music in which she felt safe. She somehow felt like once again she'd loved & lost. But this time for good. Eventually, though, she came to see that she'd left someone very important out of her life lately. He'd always been there...in her faith, doubt, pain, joy, laughter, mourning....and she'd just denied Him over & over assuming He'd let her down too..like everyone else. She told Him she could handle it all on her own. She didn't want to need anyone...because needing and loving makes one vulnerable. It leaves you unguarded. However, that's the only way to truly love.

People started showing up in her life that reminded her of this. She felt herself opening up again...and she was afraid. Terrified. Someone was cracking open her shell...and He wasn't hurting her. As she sat on her front porch once again, years later with an old acoustic guitar in her hands and her heart on her sleeve, she felt Him telling her to just let it all go. To trust Him. Trust? Her young, broken heart wasn't sure it could. But he said if she'd let Him...He could. He could do it all. He didn't need her help to fix her. She was beautifully broken...and He loved her so, so incredibly much. And she cried. And the bitterness left with the tears.

So now she's fully alive...and she can't keep a smile off her face most of the time. The glass isn't half empty or full...but running over. Things aren't perfect..and they'll most likely only get harder...but she's loved. She's safe in Him. She's going to be more than she could've ever been without Him. And so she posts this (unashamed & without reserve) in hopes that someone out there in this world will stumble upon it when reading through random Blogger.com blogs and understand how infinitely valued and cherished they are. Go forth and live. ~C