Long ago when I was young,
Before the moon blocked out the sun,
When the world was good & pure…
We assumed love would endure.
Long ago when I was true
I could stand to look at you.
Never thought before I spoke.
Wasn’t afraid of the smoke.
Long ago when I was strong
No one said that trust was wrong,
So I opened up my heart
To each lie you’d soon impart.
Long ago when I was joy
I would fall for any ploy.
Innocence played in my eyes,
Unaware of my demise.
Long ago when I was hope
I could breathe; I could cope.
Sorrows were just temporary,
Nothing that I couldn’t carry.
Long ago when I was me,
Without insecurity,
I wasn’t ashamed to cry
Over an age-old lullaby.
Long ago is gone and past.
Ignorance just doesn’t last.
So this was another test.
Yes, dear, you’re just like the rest.
Christina Sawyer © 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
"Noise"
I was born to make some noise,
Right up there with the big boys.
Oh, I'll prove it,
Oh, you'll see,
They won't wanna mess with me!
They're makin' fun of little girls
And their big brown bouncy curls,
But I've put away my toys.
Let's shake it up and make some noise!
Don't tell me what I can't do.
Don't make me prove you a fool.
Don't assume you know what's true.
I'm the exception to your rule.
The thing is that it's not just me
Who's meant for more than this.
We sleep with mediocrity
And vanish in her kiss.
Somewhere between the womb and grave,
We give up the fight.
Under the pressure, there we cave,
And never find our light.
If my dreams were meant for dark,
I'd not sing by day.
If I was not to be a spark,
I'd have nothing to say.
It's something in your spirit,
In your bones, a fire.
And when you finally hear it,
You can't quench the desire...
To be more than a face here,
Not just another name.
This isn't about fame, dear..
It's about the game.
This is the grand smoke-screen.
What is ever real?
Chasing after nothing...
What they call the "ideal".
Do what you can't live without!
And child, do it well!
Stop drinking of the poison, doubt,
And get up where you fell.
Life's only for the living,
That's how it's always been.
To not use what you're given,
Is quite a grave sin.
So get out there and make some noise,
Right up there with the big boys.
You'd better prove it!
I'd better see!
Stop drowning in your apathy!
I'm making fun of fellow man
That does less than it knows it can.
Happy with counterfeit joys...
It's up to us to make the noise.
Christina Sawyer © 2010
(There's no song related to this post, guys. It's just a poem. hah)
Right up there with the big boys.
Oh, I'll prove it,
Oh, you'll see,
They won't wanna mess with me!
They're makin' fun of little girls
And their big brown bouncy curls,
But I've put away my toys.
Let's shake it up and make some noise!
Don't tell me what I can't do.
Don't make me prove you a fool.
Don't assume you know what's true.
I'm the exception to your rule.
The thing is that it's not just me
Who's meant for more than this.
We sleep with mediocrity
And vanish in her kiss.
Somewhere between the womb and grave,
We give up the fight.
Under the pressure, there we cave,
And never find our light.
If my dreams were meant for dark,
I'd not sing by day.
If I was not to be a spark,
I'd have nothing to say.
It's something in your spirit,
In your bones, a fire.
And when you finally hear it,
You can't quench the desire...
To be more than a face here,
Not just another name.
This isn't about fame, dear..
It's about the game.
This is the grand smoke-screen.
What is ever real?
Chasing after nothing...
What they call the "ideal".
Do what you can't live without!
And child, do it well!
Stop drinking of the poison, doubt,
And get up where you fell.
Life's only for the living,
That's how it's always been.
To not use what you're given,
Is quite a grave sin.
So get out there and make some noise,
Right up there with the big boys.
You'd better prove it!
I'd better see!
Stop drowning in your apathy!
I'm making fun of fellow man
That does less than it knows it can.
Happy with counterfeit joys...
It's up to us to make the noise.
Christina Sawyer © 2010
(There's no song related to this post, guys. It's just a poem. hah)
Monday, July 26, 2010
So I Thought.
Once upon a time a little girl would rush out the back door every morning and stop dead in her tracks the moment she reached a patch of sun. She'd close her eyes, breathe in...and smile. She'd then run to the swing set and begin her childhood duty of playtime. She'd imagine she was a flight attendant, movie director, waitress...she'd even throw a large bouncy ball up into the air and "play catch with God". No, she was never short on imagination. When she played Barbies, there were no tea parties. Her sessions with them were mini soap operas. Overactive thinkers aren't satisfied with tea and cookies.
Fast forward a few years and the girl was still quite little in form, but growing up fast. The swing set has been long idle, and the Barbies have been stowed away in the attic for future times of nostalgia. Instead she now picks up a pen and notebook and sits on her front porch...once again over analyzing life. She has a hard time relating to people in her fourth grade class because of this. She simply thinks too much. Adults call her "mature"...responsible...She says she's just weird. Doesn't quite fit in...hasn't grown into her thoughts.
Seven years later, she's still the same cautious, imaginative person she's always been, but everything's starting to come full circle. The years of being an only child have been balanced out by the arrival of a sibling. She's learned to accept who she is and stop apologizing for it. High school has brought the realization that she could always relate to people...she was just afraid to. She's spent a good deal of her life in fear. There really wasn't any reason for it. Yes, people let her down and took advantage of her compassionate spirit...but she also had a loving, supportive family. She'd allowed herself to dwell on all she was not and on all the people that had lied to her. She hid herself away for a while...and almost shut everyone out all together...in an attempt to never be hurt by people again.
When she lost someone she dearly loved with all her heart..she felt the old familiar feelings of isolation, doubt, and fear. She retreated into herself again...melting into the music in which she felt safe. She somehow felt like once again she'd loved & lost. But this time for good. Eventually, though, she came to see that she'd left someone very important out of her life lately. He'd always been there...in her faith, doubt, pain, joy, laughter, mourning....and she'd just denied Him over & over assuming He'd let her down too..like everyone else. She told Him she could handle it all on her own. She didn't want to need anyone...because needing and loving makes one vulnerable. It leaves you unguarded. However, that's the only way to truly love.
People started showing up in her life that reminded her of this. She felt herself opening up again...and she was afraid. Terrified. Someone was cracking open her shell...and He wasn't hurting her. As she sat on her front porch once again, years later with an old acoustic guitar in her hands and her heart on her sleeve, she felt Him telling her to just let it all go. To trust Him. Trust? Her young, broken heart wasn't sure it could. But he said if she'd let Him...He could. He could do it all. He didn't need her help to fix her. She was beautifully broken...and He loved her so, so incredibly much. And she cried. And the bitterness left with the tears.
So now she's fully alive...and she can't keep a smile off her face most of the time. The glass isn't half empty or full...but running over. Things aren't perfect..and they'll most likely only get harder...but she's loved. She's safe in Him. She's going to be more than she could've ever been without Him. And so she posts this (unashamed & without reserve) in hopes that someone out there in this world will stumble upon it when reading through random Blogger.com blogs and understand how infinitely valued and cherished they are. Go forth and live. ~C
Fast forward a few years and the girl was still quite little in form, but growing up fast. The swing set has been long idle, and the Barbies have been stowed away in the attic for future times of nostalgia. Instead she now picks up a pen and notebook and sits on her front porch...once again over analyzing life. She has a hard time relating to people in her fourth grade class because of this. She simply thinks too much. Adults call her "mature"...responsible...She says she's just weird. Doesn't quite fit in...hasn't grown into her thoughts.
Seven years later, she's still the same cautious, imaginative person she's always been, but everything's starting to come full circle. The years of being an only child have been balanced out by the arrival of a sibling. She's learned to accept who she is and stop apologizing for it. High school has brought the realization that she could always relate to people...she was just afraid to. She's spent a good deal of her life in fear. There really wasn't any reason for it. Yes, people let her down and took advantage of her compassionate spirit...but she also had a loving, supportive family. She'd allowed herself to dwell on all she was not and on all the people that had lied to her. She hid herself away for a while...and almost shut everyone out all together...in an attempt to never be hurt by people again.
When she lost someone she dearly loved with all her heart..she felt the old familiar feelings of isolation, doubt, and fear. She retreated into herself again...melting into the music in which she felt safe. She somehow felt like once again she'd loved & lost. But this time for good. Eventually, though, she came to see that she'd left someone very important out of her life lately. He'd always been there...in her faith, doubt, pain, joy, laughter, mourning....and she'd just denied Him over & over assuming He'd let her down too..like everyone else. She told Him she could handle it all on her own. She didn't want to need anyone...because needing and loving makes one vulnerable. It leaves you unguarded. However, that's the only way to truly love.
People started showing up in her life that reminded her of this. She felt herself opening up again...and she was afraid. Terrified. Someone was cracking open her shell...and He wasn't hurting her. As she sat on her front porch once again, years later with an old acoustic guitar in her hands and her heart on her sleeve, she felt Him telling her to just let it all go. To trust Him. Trust? Her young, broken heart wasn't sure it could. But he said if she'd let Him...He could. He could do it all. He didn't need her help to fix her. She was beautifully broken...and He loved her so, so incredibly much. And she cried. And the bitterness left with the tears.
So now she's fully alive...and she can't keep a smile off her face most of the time. The glass isn't half empty or full...but running over. Things aren't perfect..and they'll most likely only get harder...but she's loved. She's safe in Him. She's going to be more than she could've ever been without Him. And so she posts this (unashamed & without reserve) in hopes that someone out there in this world will stumble upon it when reading through random Blogger.com blogs and understand how infinitely valued and cherished they are. Go forth and live. ~C
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Burn Out Brighter (Northern Lights)
Wow. It's been quite a while. A lot's happened in the past three months. The song for this post really reflects my mood at the moment...and yet I'm more optimistic than it seems.
Let me start out by saying that what you want is rarely what you need. All the things I thought I had figured out have fallen apart...and I'm surprisingly happy and at peace with that. At first it was very difficult to accept. I felt like a part of me had died. When you have a dream for so long and hold onto it with all you have, it's so painful to let go. I honestly cried over it...but I had to surrender it to God and let Him do with it what He would. As it turns out, sometimes (as I've heard it said) good things really must fall apart so great things can come together.
Eventually you must come to the end of yourself. You realize that you're one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet and nothing you have is deserved. Every breath you take and day you wake up is like a loan. You pay it back by using them to serve others. See, I guess what made me start blogging on this site again was what happened to me Monday of this week. I served lunch at a soup kitchen for the first time because I was tired of just talking about doing it.
I knew going into it that it would make a huge impact on me...but I had no idea how profound it would be. I arrived at the local church I'd be serving with at 10:00 am. They were heating this chicken cassarole in large pans, and I was instructed to keep an eye on it. I struck up a conversation with an elderly man who attended the church. We talked about many things, but what stayed with me was that we were from two seperate churches, genders, generations...etc...and here we were coming together over a chicken cassarole that we'd be serving at a soup kitchen. When it was time to leave, I got in a van with an elderly couple and mentally prepared for it. I'd hear all the horror stories....people trying to mug you, pedophiles staring you up and down...all the absurd things you hear from people who mean well but honestly don't understand the heart of service. When we arrived, I was struck by the respect and manners these people were portraying. One of the owners/leaders of the facility said it was a rehibilitation center and these individuals were taught to be courteous and thankful for the services rendered. I can honestly tell you I didn't serve ONE person that day who didn't make an attempt to thank me. I was at least 10 years their junior and yet they were saying things like "Yes, Ma'am". I was floored. In shock. My view of the homeless/needy was forever altered. It wasn't ever that I felt more important or "above" them...I just never thought they'd be so respectful.
In serving, I realized that we're all the same. The earth at the foot of the cross is level indeed (as, once again, my pastor says) and we're no better nor worse than anyone else. We need to apply this truth in the way we treat eachother. If we all treated ourselves who are so well off as those people did, this world would be transformed. However, everyone's too self-centered/absorbed to notice anyone else!!! It just solidified the fact that the more material possessions/success you have, the less you recognize your need for God and everyone else's need for common decency/consideration. We judge prematurely and never give anyone a chance. Those individuals had nothing, and in that they were all equals. Why can't we see that?? We too have nothing! All of depraved humanity is THE SAME!! Why do we begin to operate on a self-serve basis and plow over anyone in our way? We put ourselves on these pedastils and it's an absolute shock to us when they crumble.
Life is about relationships...first and foremost ours with Jesus Christ, and then how we relate to others. Don't miss that part of life and serving others just so you can climb this "ladder of success" we're all indoctrinated to pursue through the subliminal messages of the media (which is a whole other post, thanks)!!! *sigh* Ok, guess I'll stop now. Seek and serve. ~C.
(Don't forget guys, the title's the song title and the lyrics to find it through Google are tagged! Peace, Blogspot. ~C.)
Let me start out by saying that what you want is rarely what you need. All the things I thought I had figured out have fallen apart...and I'm surprisingly happy and at peace with that. At first it was very difficult to accept. I felt like a part of me had died. When you have a dream for so long and hold onto it with all you have, it's so painful to let go. I honestly cried over it...but I had to surrender it to God and let Him do with it what He would. As it turns out, sometimes (as I've heard it said) good things really must fall apart so great things can come together.
Eventually you must come to the end of yourself. You realize that you're one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet and nothing you have is deserved. Every breath you take and day you wake up is like a loan. You pay it back by using them to serve others. See, I guess what made me start blogging on this site again was what happened to me Monday of this week. I served lunch at a soup kitchen for the first time because I was tired of just talking about doing it.
I knew going into it that it would make a huge impact on me...but I had no idea how profound it would be. I arrived at the local church I'd be serving with at 10:00 am. They were heating this chicken cassarole in large pans, and I was instructed to keep an eye on it. I struck up a conversation with an elderly man who attended the church. We talked about many things, but what stayed with me was that we were from two seperate churches, genders, generations...etc...and here we were coming together over a chicken cassarole that we'd be serving at a soup kitchen. When it was time to leave, I got in a van with an elderly couple and mentally prepared for it. I'd hear all the horror stories....people trying to mug you, pedophiles staring you up and down...all the absurd things you hear from people who mean well but honestly don't understand the heart of service. When we arrived, I was struck by the respect and manners these people were portraying. One of the owners/leaders of the facility said it was a rehibilitation center and these individuals were taught to be courteous and thankful for the services rendered. I can honestly tell you I didn't serve ONE person that day who didn't make an attempt to thank me. I was at least 10 years their junior and yet they were saying things like "Yes, Ma'am". I was floored. In shock. My view of the homeless/needy was forever altered. It wasn't ever that I felt more important or "above" them...I just never thought they'd be so respectful.
In serving, I realized that we're all the same. The earth at the foot of the cross is level indeed (as, once again, my pastor says) and we're no better nor worse than anyone else. We need to apply this truth in the way we treat eachother. If we all treated ourselves who are so well off as those people did, this world would be transformed. However, everyone's too self-centered/absorbed to notice anyone else!!! It just solidified the fact that the more material possessions/success you have, the less you recognize your need for God and everyone else's need for common decency/consideration. We judge prematurely and never give anyone a chance. Those individuals had nothing, and in that they were all equals. Why can't we see that?? We too have nothing! All of depraved humanity is THE SAME!! Why do we begin to operate on a self-serve basis and plow over anyone in our way? We put ourselves on these pedastils and it's an absolute shock to us when they crumble.
Life is about relationships...first and foremost ours with Jesus Christ, and then how we relate to others. Don't miss that part of life and serving others just so you can climb this "ladder of success" we're all indoctrinated to pursue through the subliminal messages of the media (which is a whole other post, thanks)!!! *sigh* Ok, guess I'll stop now. Seek and serve. ~C.
(Don't forget guys, the title's the song title and the lyrics to find it through Google are tagged! Peace, Blogspot. ~C.)
Sunday, April 25, 2010
All Apologies.
Everyone's first reaction to hearing someone's lost a loved one is "I'm so sorry"....which seems absurd at first. However, I think it reveals a deep truth. We know in our souls that the problems in this world....evil, sickness, and yes, even death...are partly our fault. We messed up God's perfect world. So, in that phrase, we're admitting that we're the issue. We're subconsciously acknowledging our failure. Just an interesting observation.
I can't take all the credit. One of the pastors at my home church, Mike Breaux, was talking about how despite the fact that God is good, there is suffering and pain. I just applied it to my life right now.
I've taken to replying simply with...."Me too"....because I don't know what else to say. Thank you? No, I don't want to thank someone for being sorry. I'm agreeing with them. I'm sorry too....sorry we live in a world where this exists. I'm sorry I'm part of the problem. I'm sorry I can't fix me, nor you. I'm sorry we can't find a cure for the pain. I'm so completely, totally, unbelievably apologetic. ~C.
I can't take all the credit. One of the pastors at my home church, Mike Breaux, was talking about how despite the fact that God is good, there is suffering and pain. I just applied it to my life right now.
I've taken to replying simply with...."Me too"....because I don't know what else to say. Thank you? No, I don't want to thank someone for being sorry. I'm agreeing with them. I'm sorry too....sorry we live in a world where this exists. I'm sorry I'm part of the problem. I'm sorry I can't fix me, nor you. I'm sorry we can't find a cure for the pain. I'm so completely, totally, unbelievably apologetic. ~C.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Yesterdays.
In loving memory of Rosemary Giammarese: A post I'm writing as it pops into my head. Everything I couldn't say Tuesday night when she passed away.
My breath catches as I stand in the doorway. I see you lying there, motionless. This isn't you. I stare at your chest, waiting for it to rise and fall once again....There must be some mistake. This isn't happening. I stumble forward, grabbing hold of the foot of the bed for stability. My knees are quivering, and I begin to sway as the room begins to spin slowly. It feels like I've swallowed a lump of coal and it's decided to sit heavily in my stomach. I'm growing nauseous. Someone grabs me as I begin to fall. Suddenly I'm sitting in a chair, staring blankly ahead. I sit motionless for what seems like hours. I'm in a state of complete shock, and my mind goes blank. However, the hours are mere moments, and soon I'm flooded with memories. I fish a tissue out of the pocket of my favorite green hoodie as a lump develops in my throat. I hear a terrible sound...a sob that's so heartbreaking I think that whoever it belongs to must be in agony....I discover it's mine. The tears come in uncontrollable streams. I'm gasping for air, and someone's holding me. I can't look at you right now. It all happened so quickly....I never got to say goodbye. The thought brings another pang of pain to my heart. You died alone in this place....another stab of guilt. The nurse says some need to die alone. They can't let go if family is there. A lot of people are saying a lot of things. They're sorry, but I don't get why. I guess that's a safe thing to say. It's comfortable. The phrase is like putting a band aid on a scab. It doesn't do any good, but at least it makes you feel like you're doing something about it. There's also the people that immediately bring up something about God and heaven. At the moment I'm not sure how I feel about either of them.
More people come in the room, and I try to compose myself. They're starting to put your belongings in boxes and bags. It's time for each of us to say our goodbyes. But you told me to never say goodbye. You said it was too final. "Say farewell!" was your only command...because you'd see me again soon. So as I sit here, staring at you with a mix of horror, adoration, and confusion, I won't say goodbye. I say farewell. I can't think of what I want to say. I start to sing in a soft wisper. I sing your favorite songs...."Amazing Grace", "How Great Thou Art", "To God Be The Glory"...and "Take Me Back To Sorento" in Sicilian. I begin to weep again, remembering the days when your aged, yet beautifully passionate voice would join my young, inexperienced one. A smile is toying with the corners of my mouth as I realize this body lying on this bed isn't you anymore!! This shell is all that's left...and your soul is free! As Dad says, you're now with the two greatest loves of your life...Papa Santo and your Lord Jesus Christ! Even though I have so many questions about where you are right now, this peace that surpasses all understand MUST be from God. So my laments are bittersweet....a broken hallelujah. I'll be missing you for as long as I live...but I'm so excited for you. Heaven has gained the beautiful sould we've lost. Yet your soul is so very alive in mine. You're in every sunrise....each rainbow. You're in my smile. I couldn't forget you if I tried. As you say.."So long!....I'll be seeing you." I'll be loving you always. <3
My breath catches as I stand in the doorway. I see you lying there, motionless. This isn't you. I stare at your chest, waiting for it to rise and fall once again....There must be some mistake. This isn't happening. I stumble forward, grabbing hold of the foot of the bed for stability. My knees are quivering, and I begin to sway as the room begins to spin slowly. It feels like I've swallowed a lump of coal and it's decided to sit heavily in my stomach. I'm growing nauseous. Someone grabs me as I begin to fall. Suddenly I'm sitting in a chair, staring blankly ahead. I sit motionless for what seems like hours. I'm in a state of complete shock, and my mind goes blank. However, the hours are mere moments, and soon I'm flooded with memories. I fish a tissue out of the pocket of my favorite green hoodie as a lump develops in my throat. I hear a terrible sound...a sob that's so heartbreaking I think that whoever it belongs to must be in agony....I discover it's mine. The tears come in uncontrollable streams. I'm gasping for air, and someone's holding me. I can't look at you right now. It all happened so quickly....I never got to say goodbye. The thought brings another pang of pain to my heart. You died alone in this place....another stab of guilt. The nurse says some need to die alone. They can't let go if family is there. A lot of people are saying a lot of things. They're sorry, but I don't get why. I guess that's a safe thing to say. It's comfortable. The phrase is like putting a band aid on a scab. It doesn't do any good, but at least it makes you feel like you're doing something about it. There's also the people that immediately bring up something about God and heaven. At the moment I'm not sure how I feel about either of them.
More people come in the room, and I try to compose myself. They're starting to put your belongings in boxes and bags. It's time for each of us to say our goodbyes. But you told me to never say goodbye. You said it was too final. "Say farewell!" was your only command...because you'd see me again soon. So as I sit here, staring at you with a mix of horror, adoration, and confusion, I won't say goodbye. I say farewell. I can't think of what I want to say. I start to sing in a soft wisper. I sing your favorite songs...."Amazing Grace", "How Great Thou Art", "To God Be The Glory"...and "Take Me Back To Sorento" in Sicilian. I begin to weep again, remembering the days when your aged, yet beautifully passionate voice would join my young, inexperienced one. A smile is toying with the corners of my mouth as I realize this body lying on this bed isn't you anymore!! This shell is all that's left...and your soul is free! As Dad says, you're now with the two greatest loves of your life...Papa Santo and your Lord Jesus Christ! Even though I have so many questions about where you are right now, this peace that surpasses all understand MUST be from God. So my laments are bittersweet....a broken hallelujah. I'll be missing you for as long as I live...but I'm so excited for you. Heaven has gained the beautiful sould we've lost. Yet your soul is so very alive in mine. You're in every sunrise....each rainbow. You're in my smile. I couldn't forget you if I tried. As you say.."So long!....I'll be seeing you." I'll be loving you always. <3
Friday, April 16, 2010
Say It Ain't So.
So, today's song really has nothing to do with my post. I've just been jamming out to it a lot lately. Something about the groove of it just agrees with me immensely. :) It'll give you a glimpse of my mood at the moment...
Anyway, today we had a guest speaker at my school who turned out to be on of the youth pastors at my church. He talked about actually living life instead of just existing. A group of 90-somethings were asked what they'd do if they could go back in time. They answered three different ways. I summarized it for myself in my notes as this:
-Risk (Taking more chances since you only have one shot at life anyway.)
-Reflection (Soaking in those "Wow, that just happened..." moments.)
-Ripples (Making a difference in the world by simply loving one person at a time.)
I figure if you wanna learn how to live, the best person to ask besides Jesus Christ is a 90 year old who already lived, hm? So yeah. Just wanted to share that. Don't take your time here for granted...walking across the same old floor, eating the same old cereal, breathing the same old stale air as you watch the same old tv show whilst sipping your same old coffee from the same old cup. (Kinda paraphrased what the guy said just then.) So....LIVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!! So what if you seemingly "fail" (whatever the qualifications are for that anyway!)?? A life lived isn't wasted....I'll let that one sink in.
~C
Anyway, today we had a guest speaker at my school who turned out to be on of the youth pastors at my church. He talked about actually living life instead of just existing. A group of 90-somethings were asked what they'd do if they could go back in time. They answered three different ways. I summarized it for myself in my notes as this:
-Risk (Taking more chances since you only have one shot at life anyway.)
-Reflection (Soaking in those "Wow, that just happened..." moments.)
-Ripples (Making a difference in the world by simply loving one person at a time.)
I figure if you wanna learn how to live, the best person to ask besides Jesus Christ is a 90 year old who already lived, hm? So yeah. Just wanted to share that. Don't take your time here for granted...walking across the same old floor, eating the same old cereal, breathing the same old stale air as you watch the same old tv show whilst sipping your same old coffee from the same old cup. (Kinda paraphrased what the guy said just then.) So....LIVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!! So what if you seemingly "fail" (whatever the qualifications are for that anyway!)?? A life lived isn't wasted....I'll let that one sink in.
~C
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Comfortably Numb.
So, looking back on my previous post, I noticed something about myself. I already knew I over analyzed everything, but I didn't know it was THAT bad. Anyway, my doctor feels that this mysterious stomach pain I've had for a year now is actually related to depression instead of an underlying illness. I have to say, I think he's right. Researching depression in adolescents has really opened my eyes. I read the articles and it's like looking into a mirror or something. So I'm going to see a counselor to help me sort stuff out. I feel like a crazy person confessing that, but I think it's for the best. I don't want to "lose" myself, my soul and passions that is, in this counseling. I just want to feel alive again.
One thing that's been helpful to me lately is knowing my personality. I took a Meyers' Briggs personality test and got the result, "INFJ". I highly recommend that everyone takes a test like this in their lifetime. Every insecurity I've ever had, each habit....it all makes sense now. I don't feel so completely foreign in my own body anymore. I've always felt misunderstood and...I don't know...."strange" I guess. As it turns out, my personality only makes up 1.5% of the total population. Now I feel unique, but not abnormal. This is a good feeling for once. One of the lines I read in the personality description, "Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life"...really resounded with me. It went on to say that my mind is very complex and I confuse MYSELF sometimes. How true! I won't bore you with my own results...take it for yourself! This is a relatively quick version of it, but I got the same result as with others. The key is to be HONEST. Here it is:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Anyway, I discovered Thom Yorke of the groundbreaking band Radiohead shares my personality. I guess I understand one more reason why I love them. It's good to know you're not totally alone in the world, even if it seems that way. As it turns out, plenty of wonderful people were INFJs...and I hope one day I can be one of them. I deeply and truly want to help this hurting planet somehow. Sometimes it just feels like the weight of the world's on my shoulders, working its way to my chest so I can barely breathe. There's so much I can visualize/envision as an idealist that just doesn't jive with the things I see around me, and it's often very discouraging. It's comforting to know these feelings and this "depression" are linked with my personality and I'm not compeltely psychotic. However, I WILL get help with sorting out all these thoughts and emotions so I can be the best "me" possible. If I want to change the world, I must start with myself (to paraphrase the Gandhi quote). Anyway, here's to writing songs only you can hear and reaching for what lies beyond. ~C.
One thing that's been helpful to me lately is knowing my personality. I took a Meyers' Briggs personality test and got the result, "INFJ". I highly recommend that everyone takes a test like this in their lifetime. Every insecurity I've ever had, each habit....it all makes sense now. I don't feel so completely foreign in my own body anymore. I've always felt misunderstood and...I don't know...."strange" I guess. As it turns out, my personality only makes up 1.5% of the total population. Now I feel unique, but not abnormal. This is a good feeling for once. One of the lines I read in the personality description, "Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life"...really resounded with me. It went on to say that my mind is very complex and I confuse MYSELF sometimes. How true! I won't bore you with my own results...take it for yourself! This is a relatively quick version of it, but I got the same result as with others. The key is to be HONEST. Here it is:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Anyway, I discovered Thom Yorke of the groundbreaking band Radiohead shares my personality. I guess I understand one more reason why I love them. It's good to know you're not totally alone in the world, even if it seems that way. As it turns out, plenty of wonderful people were INFJs...and I hope one day I can be one of them. I deeply and truly want to help this hurting planet somehow. Sometimes it just feels like the weight of the world's on my shoulders, working its way to my chest so I can barely breathe. There's so much I can visualize/envision as an idealist that just doesn't jive with the things I see around me, and it's often very discouraging. It's comforting to know these feelings and this "depression" are linked with my personality and I'm not compeltely psychotic. However, I WILL get help with sorting out all these thoughts and emotions so I can be the best "me" possible. If I want to change the world, I must start with myself (to paraphrase the Gandhi quote). Anyway, here's to writing songs only you can hear and reaching for what lies beyond. ~C.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Faust, Midas, and Myself.
The mind is a confusing place...which may be why I've been staying out of mine lately. I honestly think I may be driving myself insane. In addition to already being mildly to moderately depressed (which I honestly don't want to "fix" because I fear I'll be numb to the world and art will lose is beauty...), I overthink WAY TOO MUCH. A simple question becomes a theoretical minefield. "WHAT IF...?!?!?!".......And??....What if what I fear DOES come true? Can I really dodge my destiny by playing small in this game of life? No. As my Sicilian Nani (grandmother) used to say..."Que sera sera!" (whatever will be, will be!).
I often find myself in these mental prison cells, but this particular episode was set off by a passion of mine...music. I recently played a couple songs for someone besides a family member for the first time and now opportunities are coming up that I have to make decisions about. It all scares me very much. I suppose I've always known I'd end up doing something with music in my life forever...as a hobby I figured. See, I LOVE to create and share art...but I LOATHE the "industry" of music....I've never had a business-type mind and it just frustrates me, sucking the creative juices right out of me. Why must everyone be out to make dime off of someone else? Maybe I just want to make music and yes, make a living, but not have to watch my back every moment!!
The other struggle for me is the issue of my faith in relation to my music...I DON'T want to be just another "CCM" (contemporary Christian music) artist!! I want to be unique and blaze new trails!!...not just write another cookie-cutter pop single!! Yet that's what seems to be my fate if I dare venture out in the world at 16 years of age and try to make music on my own. I'll be doomed to a life of playing the typical church-mouse of a woman role that the church as a whole seems to deem acceptable in the "Christian music" world. What does that even MEAN?! Like, excuse me, but can't I be a Christian and write about hard-core REAL LIFE issues?!! YES I love God with all my heart and want people to know about Christ...but maybe I don't want to be forced to put His name in EVERY SONG. Maybe subtle mentions are BETTER sometimes. I know that's been true for me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know God's calling me to music, but I guess I always figured I'd end up in a band. I play piano, and I figured if I picked up bass (which I also LOVE!!) I'd be safe from the stereotypical piano-girl role...but maybe I'm fighting what I was created to be! Ugh. I really hope not. That would suck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm using reverse psychology or something on myself....haha Wow I'm absurd. I don't even know psychology...although I'm taking that class next year. Go figure.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that I don't know who I am. I'm a teenager...I'm supposed to be figuring that out, right? Am I the classic example of teen angst right now? Seriously? That just occurred to me like some kind of epiphany. I really hope not. I hate fitting the stereotype. Unfortunately, we all do at some point. What I really hate is the fact that there's no road map for this life. There's *gasp* NO PLAN. THAT my friends is a huge deal for me. I'm Little Miss Day Planner. I mean, who am I kidding? I thought I had life figured out already. Now THAT is a good one. Oh, HA. HA. HA. Yes, I had it "all sussed out" in the words of Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I thought by now I'd have met fellow bandmates and started writing with them and who knows....I don't know. We all have dreams. I mean, being in a band seemed like the ultimate thing for me! I'm someone who's idolized bands like Rush, Radiohead, Switchfoot, Anberlin, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers, Fleetwood Mac...the list goes on, trust me. I just wanted to be a part of something bigger than just me, ya know? I want to create with other people,...form not just a band...but a bond. But that's where reality comes into play. Being in/starting a band doesn't equal all that!! There are disagreements, betrayals, and differring goals. I also live in a place where the musician pool's pretty small as it is without getting specific about goals. (All that...AND I shake like a leaf on stage alone. So "solo" scares the sanity out of me.)
So here I am at 10:52 pm central time at a desk somewhere in Illinois trying to map out my life as the rest of my family sleeps peacefully. Why do I worry like this? By the way, if you're still reading this, you're crazy. And I thank you. I haven't even begun to share all my thoughts yet, but I figure I'd better stop since it's quite probable that no one will ever read it anyway and I'm wasting my time. But I feel better now that I've put that all out there. All I can do is hope, pray...and...the biggest struggle of all for me with both God and man.....trust. -Chris
I often find myself in these mental prison cells, but this particular episode was set off by a passion of mine...music. I recently played a couple songs for someone besides a family member for the first time and now opportunities are coming up that I have to make decisions about. It all scares me very much. I suppose I've always known I'd end up doing something with music in my life forever...as a hobby I figured. See, I LOVE to create and share art...but I LOATHE the "industry" of music....I've never had a business-type mind and it just frustrates me, sucking the creative juices right out of me. Why must everyone be out to make dime off of someone else? Maybe I just want to make music and yes, make a living, but not have to watch my back every moment!!
The other struggle for me is the issue of my faith in relation to my music...I DON'T want to be just another "CCM" (contemporary Christian music) artist!! I want to be unique and blaze new trails!!...not just write another cookie-cutter pop single!! Yet that's what seems to be my fate if I dare venture out in the world at 16 years of age and try to make music on my own. I'll be doomed to a life of playing the typical church-mouse of a woman role that the church as a whole seems to deem acceptable in the "Christian music" world. What does that even MEAN?! Like, excuse me, but can't I be a Christian and write about hard-core REAL LIFE issues?!! YES I love God with all my heart and want people to know about Christ...but maybe I don't want to be forced to put His name in EVERY SONG. Maybe subtle mentions are BETTER sometimes. I know that's been true for me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know God's calling me to music, but I guess I always figured I'd end up in a band. I play piano, and I figured if I picked up bass (which I also LOVE!!) I'd be safe from the stereotypical piano-girl role...but maybe I'm fighting what I was created to be! Ugh. I really hope not. That would suck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm using reverse psychology or something on myself....haha Wow I'm absurd. I don't even know psychology...although I'm taking that class next year. Go figure.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that I don't know who I am. I'm a teenager...I'm supposed to be figuring that out, right? Am I the classic example of teen angst right now? Seriously? That just occurred to me like some kind of epiphany. I really hope not. I hate fitting the stereotype. Unfortunately, we all do at some point. What I really hate is the fact that there's no road map for this life. There's *gasp* NO PLAN. THAT my friends is a huge deal for me. I'm Little Miss Day Planner. I mean, who am I kidding? I thought I had life figured out already. Now THAT is a good one. Oh, HA. HA. HA. Yes, I had it "all sussed out" in the words of Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I thought by now I'd have met fellow bandmates and started writing with them and who knows....I don't know. We all have dreams. I mean, being in a band seemed like the ultimate thing for me! I'm someone who's idolized bands like Rush, Radiohead, Switchfoot, Anberlin, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers, Fleetwood Mac...the list goes on, trust me. I just wanted to be a part of something bigger than just me, ya know? I want to create with other people,...form not just a band...but a bond. But that's where reality comes into play. Being in/starting a band doesn't equal all that!! There are disagreements, betrayals, and differring goals. I also live in a place where the musician pool's pretty small as it is without getting specific about goals. (All that...AND I shake like a leaf on stage alone. So "solo" scares the sanity out of me.)
So here I am at 10:52 pm central time at a desk somewhere in Illinois trying to map out my life as the rest of my family sleeps peacefully. Why do I worry like this? By the way, if you're still reading this, you're crazy. And I thank you. I haven't even begun to share all my thoughts yet, but I figure I'd better stop since it's quite probable that no one will ever read it anyway and I'm wasting my time. But I feel better now that I've put that all out there. All I can do is hope, pray...and...the biggest struggle of all for me with both God and man.....trust. -Chris
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Bullet Soul.
So, this morning I was watching CBS Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood. A topic I'm pretty passionate about came up. He was reviewing the new movie The Runaways which features Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett. Apparently he thinks the movie's decent enough, but that's not my point I'm getting to here. He said something that really resounded with me. I can't quote it word for word at the moment, but it was about how the 70s classic rock movement was "a guy thing". Yes, there were female vocalists, folk artists, and female pop groups, but it was different in the rock world. It was an incredibly rare thing to see a women shredding on a guitar or picking up a bass. Such a thing was viewed as "too masculine".
Osgood also said that although many people feel women have achieved equality in the entertainment world, it's amazing how every actress or female musician that "makes it" is turned into a sex symbol or degraded by comments such as "She's good for a girl". This deeply angers me as a female musician. I've found that people are genuinely surprised when a girl wants to do more than sing and hold a tambourine. It's rather insulting, actually, to be written off as someone who's incapable of doing anything else! I've also discovered that I have to work twice as hard to be viewed as a legit musician with piano and bass. However, I also feel like being in an all-girl band wouldn't be cool with me either. I want to be accepted as a musician and work with a variety of people regardless of my gender or theirs. Even last night I went to a concert showcasing local bands and all the bands were either all male or had a female lead singer. I didn't see even ONE lady rockin' an instrument in the background of it all. See, for me, the day when having a woman in your band isn't rare is the day we're equal. When it's not a big deal to see a girl on drums, bass, guitar, etc....when it's so commonplace that no one's surprised...that's the day we've "made it". When we've proven we can do more than sing, we're equal. Some would argue this has already happened, but I say we still have some work to do. Maybe I'm just overly-passionate about all of it. I'm ok with that, because it's worth being passionate about.
Osgood also said that although many people feel women have achieved equality in the entertainment world, it's amazing how every actress or female musician that "makes it" is turned into a sex symbol or degraded by comments such as "She's good for a girl". This deeply angers me as a female musician. I've found that people are genuinely surprised when a girl wants to do more than sing and hold a tambourine. It's rather insulting, actually, to be written off as someone who's incapable of doing anything else! I've also discovered that I have to work twice as hard to be viewed as a legit musician with piano and bass. However, I also feel like being in an all-girl band wouldn't be cool with me either. I want to be accepted as a musician and work with a variety of people regardless of my gender or theirs. Even last night I went to a concert showcasing local bands and all the bands were either all male or had a female lead singer. I didn't see even ONE lady rockin' an instrument in the background of it all. See, for me, the day when having a woman in your band isn't rare is the day we're equal. When it's not a big deal to see a girl on drums, bass, guitar, etc....when it's so commonplace that no one's surprised...that's the day we've "made it". When we've proven we can do more than sing, we're equal. Some would argue this has already happened, but I say we still have some work to do. Maybe I'm just overly-passionate about all of it. I'm ok with that, because it's worth being passionate about.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
