The mind is a confusing place...which may be why I've been staying out of mine lately. I honestly think I may be driving myself insane. In addition to already being mildly to moderately depressed (which I honestly don't want to "fix" because I fear I'll be numb to the world and art will lose is beauty...), I overthink WAY TOO MUCH. A simple question becomes a theoretical minefield. "WHAT IF...?!?!?!".......And??....What if what I fear DOES come true? Can I really dodge my destiny by playing small in this game of life? No. As my Sicilian Nani (grandmother) used to say..."Que sera sera!" (whatever will be, will be!).
I often find myself in these mental prison cells, but this particular episode was set off by a passion of mine...music. I recently played a couple songs for someone besides a family member for the first time and now opportunities are coming up that I have to make decisions about. It all scares me very much. I suppose I've always known I'd end up doing something with music in my life forever...as a hobby I figured. See, I LOVE to create and share art...but I LOATHE the "industry" of music....I've never had a business-type mind and it just frustrates me, sucking the creative juices right out of me. Why must everyone be out to make dime off of someone else? Maybe I just want to make music and yes, make a living, but not have to watch my back every moment!!
The other struggle for me is the issue of my faith in relation to my music...I DON'T want to be just another "CCM" (contemporary Christian music) artist!! I want to be unique and blaze new trails!!...not just write another cookie-cutter pop single!! Yet that's what seems to be my fate if I dare venture out in the world at 16 years of age and try to make music on my own. I'll be doomed to a life of playing the typical church-mouse of a woman role that the church as a whole seems to deem acceptable in the "Christian music" world. What does that even MEAN?! Like, excuse me, but can't I be a Christian and write about hard-core REAL LIFE issues?!! YES I love God with all my heart and want people to know about Christ...but maybe I don't want to be forced to put His name in EVERY SONG. Maybe subtle mentions are BETTER sometimes. I know that's been true for me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know God's calling me to music, but I guess I always figured I'd end up in a band. I play piano, and I figured if I picked up bass (which I also LOVE!!) I'd be safe from the stereotypical piano-girl role...but maybe I'm fighting what I was created to be! Ugh. I really hope not. That would suck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm using reverse psychology or something on myself....haha Wow I'm absurd. I don't even know psychology...although I'm taking that class next year. Go figure.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that I don't know who I am. I'm a teenager...I'm supposed to be figuring that out, right? Am I the classic example of teen angst right now? Seriously? That just occurred to me like some kind of epiphany. I really hope not. I hate fitting the stereotype. Unfortunately, we all do at some point. What I really hate is the fact that there's no road map for this life. There's *gasp* NO PLAN. THAT my friends is a huge deal for me. I'm Little Miss Day Planner. I mean, who am I kidding? I thought I had life figured out already. Now THAT is a good one. Oh, HA. HA. HA. Yes, I had it "all sussed out" in the words of Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I thought by now I'd have met fellow bandmates and started writing with them and who knows....I don't know. We all have dreams. I mean, being in a band seemed like the ultimate thing for me! I'm someone who's idolized bands like Rush, Radiohead, Switchfoot, Anberlin, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers, Fleetwood Mac...the list goes on, trust me. I just wanted to be a part of something bigger than just me, ya know? I want to create with other people,...form not just a band...but a bond. But that's where reality comes into play. Being in/starting a band doesn't equal all that!! There are disagreements, betrayals, and differring goals. I also live in a place where the musician pool's pretty small as it is without getting specific about goals. (All that...AND I shake like a leaf on stage alone. So "solo" scares the sanity out of me.)
So here I am at 10:52 pm central time at a desk somewhere in Illinois trying to map out my life as the rest of my family sleeps peacefully. Why do I worry like this? By the way, if you're still reading this, you're crazy. And I thank you. I haven't even begun to share all my thoughts yet, but I figure I'd better stop since it's quite probable that no one will ever read it anyway and I'm wasting my time. But I feel better now that I've put that all out there. All I can do is hope, pray...and...the biggest struggle of all for me with both God and man.....trust. -Chris
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2 comments:
Umm... Me again. I'm sorry for being nosy. But I had posted that one random comment, but read the first few sentences of the blog post, too. Now I'm reading through all of your blogs. You're not wasting your time. I wholeheartedly believe that about all writing. Even if you're pissed off as all get out one moment, just ranting with exaggeration about whatever set you off, well, hey! that's cool. I mean, they're you, in a way... Each emotion is a truth in itself even if what you've written isn't wholly the truth.
I'm rambling. Basically, you're not wasting your time. Thank you for writing. I've related to some of the things. It's (to put lamely) cool.
Hey, thanks! Really...I often feel like I'm talking to myself. I guess I am. Glad someone's benefitted from it after all. And no, don't be sorry. I needed to read your comments. Encouraging.
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