"The Undoing of Reywas"

It's all an idea in my head,
A hopeless, ceaseless, winding thread.
It's all a hoax on a grand scale,
Made of my trust and soon betrayal.

A mockery, but all in jest.
Watch the heart race in my chest.
Faster, faster, see it ache
With every solemn step I take.

Feel the wind rush through the door
As I run forevermore
Through a field white with snow
In a soul that's 10 below.

Is it too ambiguous?
I notice you're now nervous.
Don't you fear, don't you cry.
There's an eye in the sky.

"Every drop of rain you see
Is a tear God cried for me,"
He told me with a sick smile
Growing more ill all the while.

There was something in his eyes
I surely couldn't recognize...
Not quite love, nearly hate..
And how they seemed to calculate!

Every movement, every word
Memorized when seen and heard.
I fell silent as one dumb,
Panicked as my mind went numb.

"Now I am inside your head!,"
Was the last I'd heard he said.
And in the mirror I could see
He was staring back at me.

Christina Sawyer (c) 2011

"Forever, for always, my baby you'll be...."

I don't pretend to be an amazing writer. I don't possess infinite literary prowess. All I know is what I feel and a few words to try to describe those emotions/thoughts. I try very hard to enunciate my spirit...to put characters on a bright screen in the place of the tugging on my heart.

This morning I woke up to brilliance. My room was literally bathed in light. You know what's funny? It made me sad. Very sad. Now, I'm a melancholy person by nature. I see that side of things almost immediately. However, a bright morning has always conjured up happiness before. I felt myself start falingl into a familiar little hole I'd tried to place a shabby piece of cardboard over instead of filling it up. I missed her. I missed her with every single ounce of grief a body can hold.

Then the plane passed over our neighborhood. They do periodically. At our old house, it was a daily occurrance like clockwork. One went by in the afternoon around 1:00 pm everyday as Mom was putting the daycare kids down for a nap. I was small too, and I'd lie on the couch just thinking for a few hours. And I would hear the plane pass over. The sun would be streaming in the windows regardless of the closed blinds..just like at Nani's house.

So I recognized where the nostalgic, melancholy emotion was coming from. I missed the security, predictability, and stability of a time long passed. I missed childhood. I also realized that I haven't dealt with my grief over the most significant and lasting symbol of my childhood: My Nani. A large part of me seemed to be buried with her in that Chicago cemetary nearly a year ago among the saints and petty bouqets of nothing. Little pieces of hope, joy, and laughter lay strewn across her grave like the roses we threw. And I have not let go. I thought I had. I swore I had. But I had not. I could not. She was a symbol of so much of the good in my life for so long.

Certain things will always bring me back to a different time...the smell of pasta or garlic bread, big band music, musicals, a sunny room just like hers, roses, Easter,...the list goes on and on and...

It would be foolish to assume I could ever "move on". I never will. Something like that changes a person. I get it. But I'm not ashamed to say I think of her all the time. I'm not ashamed to say that her picture still makes me bawl like a baby. I'm not ashamed to say I'd do anything...anything...just to talk to her again. So, I'm forewarning you that in 18 days, I'm gonna be emotional. No one needs to ask, "It's been a year...aren't you kinda over it yet?". All that shows me is that they've never lost someone this close to them. And I don't wish it on them.

But I know where she is. Yes. I know. How do I know? This woman had the most genuine faith I've ever seen. She LIVED IT. You cannot tell me she didn't. I saw her lay hands on people and they were healed. I saw her prayers answered over and over again. God was listening to a faithful servant. It is because of her I believe what I do today. She was not afraid to change how she viewed God and start going to born-again, full-gospel Protestant churches despite her traditional background. She was not afraid to face the people who belittled her because of it. And neither will I. She taught me to be bold, just like that sunshine I love so much. Though part of me is gone with her, a larger part of me is taken up by all she taught me living on through me...forever irrevocably entwined. For this blessing I can never thank God enough. I had a real treasure in my life that many never experience. So, in 18 days, I will also celebrate her homecoming to her blessed Savior. She is home. She is healed.



-Christina

The Seizure of Saint's Bay.

Soft strokes at midnight
As the Captain's oars rotate,
Creating ripples on the surface.
The air is cool and ill.
A final gust
Blows frigid with surrender.




Christina Sawyer (c) 2011

The Glorious Imperfection of Man.

I can't tell you how long it took me to figure out that my version of "perfect" was rather undesirable after all. See, I'm one of those people who will plan something out & pay attention to all the details to make something special. However, I got lost in those details and missed the big picture. Hannah didn't care if her cupcakes were chocolate or vanilla. She just wanted to have fun & celebrate her birthday like any kid. She's just gonna go for the frosting anyway. :) If the sink at work overflows when I'm trying to get ready to do dishes, it's not a big deal. There are things called mops for that. If some coffee spills on my shoes, it's really not the end of the world. I'm learning to take joy in the imperfect moments of life...because those are the times you know you're really living. You're human. If we were truly capable of perfection, there'd be no religion in the world, would there?
I say all this because lately I'm having to really take a good look at colleges and start choosing places I'd like to consider for continued education. It dawned on me as I searched that I don't even know what I really wanna do yet. THAT scared me a lot. I'm the girl with the pocket planner & red pen ready to plan my life....and I'm for once clueless. To tell you the truth, I've never been more relieved. I have no plan, and that's ok. I'm going to continue to work hard, do my best, and place myself in the best position possible for my future so that wherever God leads me, I'm ready to go.
We cannot plan our lives. If there's one thing I've learned, that would be it. All we can do is our best. For me personally, all I can do is seek after God's desires for me and surrender to that. Time and time again I read that He wants me to "seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness"(Matt 6:33) and to live by faith. These are things I feel the modern Christian world takes far too lightly. Those things should undoubtedly affect your whole life! If that means abandoning what some would call "normalcy", so be it. I'm not here to live the American dream. I'm a citizen of the kingdom of God...here for a moment, gone the next. That's alright with me. Just some more thoughts. 'Til next time-Chris

What's The Deal?!

I for the life of me cannot understand the deal with popularity. Why do people care so much? Is there a fundamental lack of self-worth or self-acceptance that goes hand in hand with the need be known/seen? Take a look around you. Everyone wants to be famous (or infamous) for something. You've got little kids growing up wanting to be the next teen sensation and 45 year old men playing shows in bars still waiting for their "big break" while in reality they've wasted 30 years chasing an illusion that was never meant to be theirs.

YouTube, Myspace, Facebook, and even blog sites like this one have given birth to a new era of narcissism. Welcome to our generation. Everything's about US, ME, MINE!!!!! LOOK AT ME!!! ARE YOU LOOKING YET?! What can I do to hold your attention? In my opinion this is the root of all our problems: We're simply too self-centered. We live our lives for number one. What college do I want to go to? What car do I want? What color ipod do I want? Want want want. Blah blah blah. We exist in a culture of noise & confusion.

Is there really ever a time we're not being bombarded with slogans & ideals screaming at us telling us we could be so much better IF...*insert quick fix for a long-term insecurity*. Since the 20's we've lived in a consumer's nation, and we've been bred for it. I can type out all I want and talk til I'm blue in the face, but the fact is, you probably don't care. I'll be lucky if you even read this. Why? Well, it is YOUR Facebook...YOUR time... YOUR apathy. You know what? I don't know what will fix this. I don't know how to make you see. I don't know why people spend so much time shopping for clothes to look a certain way, or fixing their hair to fit a certain facade, or shaping their features to fit an expectation. All I know is, I'm so done. I don't care what you think of me. If I decide to wear pajama pants to walk to my mailbox, I will. If I want to dye my nails neon pink and listen to Aerosmith, you can call me a poser. If I claim to be a Christian and mess up, you can call me a hypocrite. Because you know what? We're all unoriginal posers and hypocrites.

And hey, I want to be seen too. I want to be known. The thing is, I know who I already am. I'm a child of God. I'm not afraid to sound cliche or over-done here. I'm not a Christian. I'm a follower of Christ. I'm human. I'm flawed. I'm forgiven. All I'm asking is for people to start seeing past the North Face fleeces and Uggs & start seeing souls. I don't care if you don't remember my name, but I hope you "get it" before this life's over. This incredible opportunity called "existence" is SO not about us. So what's the deal?

-Chris.

Right Place, Wrong Time: A Concise Rant (:

In any facet of pop culture, we can find celebrities in their given fields. There's Pavoratti, Van Gogh, Mozart, Edgar Allen Poe.... And they become more appreciated as time goes on. See, Lady Gaga isn't, despite public opinion, "legendary" yet. She's current. Only time will tell if she'll go down in history or drown in a sea of names on has-beens reality tv show. Even Madonna hasn't quite made the cut yet. I say it takes a good long while before you're considered "classic".

Many influencial leaders, artists, athletes, and philosophers were highly misunderstood & underappreciated during their lifetime. They never saw their idealistic dreams or goals fully come to fruition. In fact, most died a bitter, lonely death amongst their art. (Honestly...just look up some authors if you want. The bios are actually often downright depressing.) So, what can we learn from this?

First of all, fame is pointless. In case you haven't noticed, the fundamental inner-workings of the world & humanity haven't changed much in the past 2,000 years. There were old-time "popstars" and celebs then, too. (Anyone remember learning about troubadors?) But do we study them? No. On rare occassions someone will have gained some recognition towards the end of their life, but most disappeared from the pages of history and their work perished along with them. Perhaps Emerson was more correct than he knew when he stated, "To be great is to be misunderstood".

Secondly, you'd better find something important to do in this world with your one life, and you'd better be passionate about it! You don't become great by sitting around doing nothing. Greatness takes sacrifice, perserverance, and complete belief in your cause. You need to be willing to risk everything to see it through.

Lastly, your character will determine your greatness. Anyone can commit a heinous crime and be infamous. It takes great strength of character to be remembered for the right reasons. True, this doesn't apply to all "greats" when you really study their lives, but I think it would've made a huge difference if they HAD possessed strong characters. Your attitude and thought patterns throughout life WILL influence your success.

I basically wrote this to encourage you to greatness. Don't get discouraged if you feel like a complete moron for standing up for what you believe in. I'd rather see someone strongly disagree with the laws of gravity like a fool and be passionate than NOT hear someone defend their own faith while under fire as a result of their own cowardice. Don't be afraid to BE. Keep pushing, pulling, praying, prying...... DO NOT give in.





-Chris



P.S. I just typed this at 2 am. as a result of hearing one-too-many fellow teenagers talking about how they wanna "make it big" & be seen. Like everyone else. There are probably numerous errors & I might've gotten off topic but I needed to rant a little :) Thanks for reading if you indeed did. Feel free to add on, criticize, freethink...whatever. :)

"What I Wanted To Say"

Cursor flashing on a screen
Colored blue and white.
Can you tell me what I mean,
What I want to write?

Fragments float across my mind;
How do I arrange them?
Twice as many left behind
In the frantic mayhem.

War, religion, politics!
There's so much to say...
But I steer away from this,
Saved for another day.

There are plenty others
To rant and scream and shout.
They hate their very brothers...
The world can do without.

Instead I just keep hoping
To move along and live.
To thrive among the coping,
And learn how to forgive.

I'm not this cruel reflection
They call "humanity".
I cannot reach perfection,
But it's who I strive to be.

There's more than all this fighting,
This pain and death and grief!
I am quite done hiding!
I will not sink beneath.

You will not find me weeping
On my bedroom floor!
There's a promise I'll be keeping...
Kicking down the door.



Christina sawyer (c) 2011

"Like Me"

You can spend your whole life waiting

For the chance to be.

For the chance to see.

You could be like me.



You can spend your whole life dreaming

About lofty things...

Of an audience with kings...

Flying o'er the earth on wings.



You can spend your whole life hoping

To get out of here.

Rise beyond the fear.

To learn to disappear.



You can spend your whole life waiting.

For the chance to flee.

Reveal honesty.

You could be like me.











Christina Sawyer (c) 2010



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