Everyone's first reaction to hearing someone's lost a loved one is "I'm so sorry"....which seems absurd at first. However, I think it reveals a deep truth. We know in our souls that the problems in this world....evil, sickness, and yes, even death...are partly our fault. We messed up God's perfect world. So, in that phrase, we're admitting that we're the issue. We're subconsciously acknowledging our failure. Just an interesting observation.
I can't take all the credit. One of the pastors at my home church, Mike Breaux, was talking about how despite the fact that God is good, there is suffering and pain. I just applied it to my life right now.
I've taken to replying simply with...."Me too"....because I don't know what else to say. Thank you? No, I don't want to thank someone for being sorry. I'm agreeing with them. I'm sorry too....sorry we live in a world where this exists. I'm sorry I'm part of the problem. I'm sorry I can't fix me, nor you. I'm sorry we can't find a cure for the pain. I'm so completely, totally, unbelievably apologetic. ~C.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Yesterdays.
In loving memory of Rosemary Giammarese: A post I'm writing as it pops into my head. Everything I couldn't say Tuesday night when she passed away.
My breath catches as I stand in the doorway. I see you lying there, motionless. This isn't you. I stare at your chest, waiting for it to rise and fall once again....There must be some mistake. This isn't happening. I stumble forward, grabbing hold of the foot of the bed for stability. My knees are quivering, and I begin to sway as the room begins to spin slowly. It feels like I've swallowed a lump of coal and it's decided to sit heavily in my stomach. I'm growing nauseous. Someone grabs me as I begin to fall. Suddenly I'm sitting in a chair, staring blankly ahead. I sit motionless for what seems like hours. I'm in a state of complete shock, and my mind goes blank. However, the hours are mere moments, and soon I'm flooded with memories. I fish a tissue out of the pocket of my favorite green hoodie as a lump develops in my throat. I hear a terrible sound...a sob that's so heartbreaking I think that whoever it belongs to must be in agony....I discover it's mine. The tears come in uncontrollable streams. I'm gasping for air, and someone's holding me. I can't look at you right now. It all happened so quickly....I never got to say goodbye. The thought brings another pang of pain to my heart. You died alone in this place....another stab of guilt. The nurse says some need to die alone. They can't let go if family is there. A lot of people are saying a lot of things. They're sorry, but I don't get why. I guess that's a safe thing to say. It's comfortable. The phrase is like putting a band aid on a scab. It doesn't do any good, but at least it makes you feel like you're doing something about it. There's also the people that immediately bring up something about God and heaven. At the moment I'm not sure how I feel about either of them.
More people come in the room, and I try to compose myself. They're starting to put your belongings in boxes and bags. It's time for each of us to say our goodbyes. But you told me to never say goodbye. You said it was too final. "Say farewell!" was your only command...because you'd see me again soon. So as I sit here, staring at you with a mix of horror, adoration, and confusion, I won't say goodbye. I say farewell. I can't think of what I want to say. I start to sing in a soft wisper. I sing your favorite songs...."Amazing Grace", "How Great Thou Art", "To God Be The Glory"...and "Take Me Back To Sorento" in Sicilian. I begin to weep again, remembering the days when your aged, yet beautifully passionate voice would join my young, inexperienced one. A smile is toying with the corners of my mouth as I realize this body lying on this bed isn't you anymore!! This shell is all that's left...and your soul is free! As Dad says, you're now with the two greatest loves of your life...Papa Santo and your Lord Jesus Christ! Even though I have so many questions about where you are right now, this peace that surpasses all understand MUST be from God. So my laments are bittersweet....a broken hallelujah. I'll be missing you for as long as I live...but I'm so excited for you. Heaven has gained the beautiful sould we've lost. Yet your soul is so very alive in mine. You're in every sunrise....each rainbow. You're in my smile. I couldn't forget you if I tried. As you say.."So long!....I'll be seeing you." I'll be loving you always. <3
My breath catches as I stand in the doorway. I see you lying there, motionless. This isn't you. I stare at your chest, waiting for it to rise and fall once again....There must be some mistake. This isn't happening. I stumble forward, grabbing hold of the foot of the bed for stability. My knees are quivering, and I begin to sway as the room begins to spin slowly. It feels like I've swallowed a lump of coal and it's decided to sit heavily in my stomach. I'm growing nauseous. Someone grabs me as I begin to fall. Suddenly I'm sitting in a chair, staring blankly ahead. I sit motionless for what seems like hours. I'm in a state of complete shock, and my mind goes blank. However, the hours are mere moments, and soon I'm flooded with memories. I fish a tissue out of the pocket of my favorite green hoodie as a lump develops in my throat. I hear a terrible sound...a sob that's so heartbreaking I think that whoever it belongs to must be in agony....I discover it's mine. The tears come in uncontrollable streams. I'm gasping for air, and someone's holding me. I can't look at you right now. It all happened so quickly....I never got to say goodbye. The thought brings another pang of pain to my heart. You died alone in this place....another stab of guilt. The nurse says some need to die alone. They can't let go if family is there. A lot of people are saying a lot of things. They're sorry, but I don't get why. I guess that's a safe thing to say. It's comfortable. The phrase is like putting a band aid on a scab. It doesn't do any good, but at least it makes you feel like you're doing something about it. There's also the people that immediately bring up something about God and heaven. At the moment I'm not sure how I feel about either of them.
More people come in the room, and I try to compose myself. They're starting to put your belongings in boxes and bags. It's time for each of us to say our goodbyes. But you told me to never say goodbye. You said it was too final. "Say farewell!" was your only command...because you'd see me again soon. So as I sit here, staring at you with a mix of horror, adoration, and confusion, I won't say goodbye. I say farewell. I can't think of what I want to say. I start to sing in a soft wisper. I sing your favorite songs...."Amazing Grace", "How Great Thou Art", "To God Be The Glory"...and "Take Me Back To Sorento" in Sicilian. I begin to weep again, remembering the days when your aged, yet beautifully passionate voice would join my young, inexperienced one. A smile is toying with the corners of my mouth as I realize this body lying on this bed isn't you anymore!! This shell is all that's left...and your soul is free! As Dad says, you're now with the two greatest loves of your life...Papa Santo and your Lord Jesus Christ! Even though I have so many questions about where you are right now, this peace that surpasses all understand MUST be from God. So my laments are bittersweet....a broken hallelujah. I'll be missing you for as long as I live...but I'm so excited for you. Heaven has gained the beautiful sould we've lost. Yet your soul is so very alive in mine. You're in every sunrise....each rainbow. You're in my smile. I couldn't forget you if I tried. As you say.."So long!....I'll be seeing you." I'll be loving you always. <3
Friday, April 16, 2010
Say It Ain't So.
So, today's song really has nothing to do with my post. I've just been jamming out to it a lot lately. Something about the groove of it just agrees with me immensely. :) It'll give you a glimpse of my mood at the moment...
Anyway, today we had a guest speaker at my school who turned out to be on of the youth pastors at my church. He talked about actually living life instead of just existing. A group of 90-somethings were asked what they'd do if they could go back in time. They answered three different ways. I summarized it for myself in my notes as this:
-Risk (Taking more chances since you only have one shot at life anyway.)
-Reflection (Soaking in those "Wow, that just happened..." moments.)
-Ripples (Making a difference in the world by simply loving one person at a time.)
I figure if you wanna learn how to live, the best person to ask besides Jesus Christ is a 90 year old who already lived, hm? So yeah. Just wanted to share that. Don't take your time here for granted...walking across the same old floor, eating the same old cereal, breathing the same old stale air as you watch the same old tv show whilst sipping your same old coffee from the same old cup. (Kinda paraphrased what the guy said just then.) So....LIVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!! So what if you seemingly "fail" (whatever the qualifications are for that anyway!)?? A life lived isn't wasted....I'll let that one sink in.
~C
Anyway, today we had a guest speaker at my school who turned out to be on of the youth pastors at my church. He talked about actually living life instead of just existing. A group of 90-somethings were asked what they'd do if they could go back in time. They answered three different ways. I summarized it for myself in my notes as this:
-Risk (Taking more chances since you only have one shot at life anyway.)
-Reflection (Soaking in those "Wow, that just happened..." moments.)
-Ripples (Making a difference in the world by simply loving one person at a time.)
I figure if you wanna learn how to live, the best person to ask besides Jesus Christ is a 90 year old who already lived, hm? So yeah. Just wanted to share that. Don't take your time here for granted...walking across the same old floor, eating the same old cereal, breathing the same old stale air as you watch the same old tv show whilst sipping your same old coffee from the same old cup. (Kinda paraphrased what the guy said just then.) So....LIVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!! So what if you seemingly "fail" (whatever the qualifications are for that anyway!)?? A life lived isn't wasted....I'll let that one sink in.
~C
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Comfortably Numb.
So, looking back on my previous post, I noticed something about myself. I already knew I over analyzed everything, but I didn't know it was THAT bad. Anyway, my doctor feels that this mysterious stomach pain I've had for a year now is actually related to depression instead of an underlying illness. I have to say, I think he's right. Researching depression in adolescents has really opened my eyes. I read the articles and it's like looking into a mirror or something. So I'm going to see a counselor to help me sort stuff out. I feel like a crazy person confessing that, but I think it's for the best. I don't want to "lose" myself, my soul and passions that is, in this counseling. I just want to feel alive again.
One thing that's been helpful to me lately is knowing my personality. I took a Meyers' Briggs personality test and got the result, "INFJ". I highly recommend that everyone takes a test like this in their lifetime. Every insecurity I've ever had, each habit....it all makes sense now. I don't feel so completely foreign in my own body anymore. I've always felt misunderstood and...I don't know...."strange" I guess. As it turns out, my personality only makes up 1.5% of the total population. Now I feel unique, but not abnormal. This is a good feeling for once. One of the lines I read in the personality description, "Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life"...really resounded with me. It went on to say that my mind is very complex and I confuse MYSELF sometimes. How true! I won't bore you with my own results...take it for yourself! This is a relatively quick version of it, but I got the same result as with others. The key is to be HONEST. Here it is:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Anyway, I discovered Thom Yorke of the groundbreaking band Radiohead shares my personality. I guess I understand one more reason why I love them. It's good to know you're not totally alone in the world, even if it seems that way. As it turns out, plenty of wonderful people were INFJs...and I hope one day I can be one of them. I deeply and truly want to help this hurting planet somehow. Sometimes it just feels like the weight of the world's on my shoulders, working its way to my chest so I can barely breathe. There's so much I can visualize/envision as an idealist that just doesn't jive with the things I see around me, and it's often very discouraging. It's comforting to know these feelings and this "depression" are linked with my personality and I'm not compeltely psychotic. However, I WILL get help with sorting out all these thoughts and emotions so I can be the best "me" possible. If I want to change the world, I must start with myself (to paraphrase the Gandhi quote). Anyway, here's to writing songs only you can hear and reaching for what lies beyond. ~C.
One thing that's been helpful to me lately is knowing my personality. I took a Meyers' Briggs personality test and got the result, "INFJ". I highly recommend that everyone takes a test like this in their lifetime. Every insecurity I've ever had, each habit....it all makes sense now. I don't feel so completely foreign in my own body anymore. I've always felt misunderstood and...I don't know...."strange" I guess. As it turns out, my personality only makes up 1.5% of the total population. Now I feel unique, but not abnormal. This is a good feeling for once. One of the lines I read in the personality description, "Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life"...really resounded with me. It went on to say that my mind is very complex and I confuse MYSELF sometimes. How true! I won't bore you with my own results...take it for yourself! This is a relatively quick version of it, but I got the same result as with others. The key is to be HONEST. Here it is:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Anyway, I discovered Thom Yorke of the groundbreaking band Radiohead shares my personality. I guess I understand one more reason why I love them. It's good to know you're not totally alone in the world, even if it seems that way. As it turns out, plenty of wonderful people were INFJs...and I hope one day I can be one of them. I deeply and truly want to help this hurting planet somehow. Sometimes it just feels like the weight of the world's on my shoulders, working its way to my chest so I can barely breathe. There's so much I can visualize/envision as an idealist that just doesn't jive with the things I see around me, and it's often very discouraging. It's comforting to know these feelings and this "depression" are linked with my personality and I'm not compeltely psychotic. However, I WILL get help with sorting out all these thoughts and emotions so I can be the best "me" possible. If I want to change the world, I must start with myself (to paraphrase the Gandhi quote). Anyway, here's to writing songs only you can hear and reaching for what lies beyond. ~C.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Faust, Midas, and Myself.
The mind is a confusing place...which may be why I've been staying out of mine lately. I honestly think I may be driving myself insane. In addition to already being mildly to moderately depressed (which I honestly don't want to "fix" because I fear I'll be numb to the world and art will lose is beauty...), I overthink WAY TOO MUCH. A simple question becomes a theoretical minefield. "WHAT IF...?!?!?!".......And??....What if what I fear DOES come true? Can I really dodge my destiny by playing small in this game of life? No. As my Sicilian Nani (grandmother) used to say..."Que sera sera!" (whatever will be, will be!).
I often find myself in these mental prison cells, but this particular episode was set off by a passion of mine...music. I recently played a couple songs for someone besides a family member for the first time and now opportunities are coming up that I have to make decisions about. It all scares me very much. I suppose I've always known I'd end up doing something with music in my life forever...as a hobby I figured. See, I LOVE to create and share art...but I LOATHE the "industry" of music....I've never had a business-type mind and it just frustrates me, sucking the creative juices right out of me. Why must everyone be out to make dime off of someone else? Maybe I just want to make music and yes, make a living, but not have to watch my back every moment!!
The other struggle for me is the issue of my faith in relation to my music...I DON'T want to be just another "CCM" (contemporary Christian music) artist!! I want to be unique and blaze new trails!!...not just write another cookie-cutter pop single!! Yet that's what seems to be my fate if I dare venture out in the world at 16 years of age and try to make music on my own. I'll be doomed to a life of playing the typical church-mouse of a woman role that the church as a whole seems to deem acceptable in the "Christian music" world. What does that even MEAN?! Like, excuse me, but can't I be a Christian and write about hard-core REAL LIFE issues?!! YES I love God with all my heart and want people to know about Christ...but maybe I don't want to be forced to put His name in EVERY SONG. Maybe subtle mentions are BETTER sometimes. I know that's been true for me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know God's calling me to music, but I guess I always figured I'd end up in a band. I play piano, and I figured if I picked up bass (which I also LOVE!!) I'd be safe from the stereotypical piano-girl role...but maybe I'm fighting what I was created to be! Ugh. I really hope not. That would suck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm using reverse psychology or something on myself....haha Wow I'm absurd. I don't even know psychology...although I'm taking that class next year. Go figure.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that I don't know who I am. I'm a teenager...I'm supposed to be figuring that out, right? Am I the classic example of teen angst right now? Seriously? That just occurred to me like some kind of epiphany. I really hope not. I hate fitting the stereotype. Unfortunately, we all do at some point. What I really hate is the fact that there's no road map for this life. There's *gasp* NO PLAN. THAT my friends is a huge deal for me. I'm Little Miss Day Planner. I mean, who am I kidding? I thought I had life figured out already. Now THAT is a good one. Oh, HA. HA. HA. Yes, I had it "all sussed out" in the words of Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I thought by now I'd have met fellow bandmates and started writing with them and who knows....I don't know. We all have dreams. I mean, being in a band seemed like the ultimate thing for me! I'm someone who's idolized bands like Rush, Radiohead, Switchfoot, Anberlin, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers, Fleetwood Mac...the list goes on, trust me. I just wanted to be a part of something bigger than just me, ya know? I want to create with other people,...form not just a band...but a bond. But that's where reality comes into play. Being in/starting a band doesn't equal all that!! There are disagreements, betrayals, and differring goals. I also live in a place where the musician pool's pretty small as it is without getting specific about goals. (All that...AND I shake like a leaf on stage alone. So "solo" scares the sanity out of me.)
So here I am at 10:52 pm central time at a desk somewhere in Illinois trying to map out my life as the rest of my family sleeps peacefully. Why do I worry like this? By the way, if you're still reading this, you're crazy. And I thank you. I haven't even begun to share all my thoughts yet, but I figure I'd better stop since it's quite probable that no one will ever read it anyway and I'm wasting my time. But I feel better now that I've put that all out there. All I can do is hope, pray...and...the biggest struggle of all for me with both God and man.....trust. -Chris
I often find myself in these mental prison cells, but this particular episode was set off by a passion of mine...music. I recently played a couple songs for someone besides a family member for the first time and now opportunities are coming up that I have to make decisions about. It all scares me very much. I suppose I've always known I'd end up doing something with music in my life forever...as a hobby I figured. See, I LOVE to create and share art...but I LOATHE the "industry" of music....I've never had a business-type mind and it just frustrates me, sucking the creative juices right out of me. Why must everyone be out to make dime off of someone else? Maybe I just want to make music and yes, make a living, but not have to watch my back every moment!!
The other struggle for me is the issue of my faith in relation to my music...I DON'T want to be just another "CCM" (contemporary Christian music) artist!! I want to be unique and blaze new trails!!...not just write another cookie-cutter pop single!! Yet that's what seems to be my fate if I dare venture out in the world at 16 years of age and try to make music on my own. I'll be doomed to a life of playing the typical church-mouse of a woman role that the church as a whole seems to deem acceptable in the "Christian music" world. What does that even MEAN?! Like, excuse me, but can't I be a Christian and write about hard-core REAL LIFE issues?!! YES I love God with all my heart and want people to know about Christ...but maybe I don't want to be forced to put His name in EVERY SONG. Maybe subtle mentions are BETTER sometimes. I know that's been true for me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know God's calling me to music, but I guess I always figured I'd end up in a band. I play piano, and I figured if I picked up bass (which I also LOVE!!) I'd be safe from the stereotypical piano-girl role...but maybe I'm fighting what I was created to be! Ugh. I really hope not. That would suck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm using reverse psychology or something on myself....haha Wow I'm absurd. I don't even know psychology...although I'm taking that class next year. Go figure.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that I don't know who I am. I'm a teenager...I'm supposed to be figuring that out, right? Am I the classic example of teen angst right now? Seriously? That just occurred to me like some kind of epiphany. I really hope not. I hate fitting the stereotype. Unfortunately, we all do at some point. What I really hate is the fact that there's no road map for this life. There's *gasp* NO PLAN. THAT my friends is a huge deal for me. I'm Little Miss Day Planner. I mean, who am I kidding? I thought I had life figured out already. Now THAT is a good one. Oh, HA. HA. HA. Yes, I had it "all sussed out" in the words of Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I thought by now I'd have met fellow bandmates and started writing with them and who knows....I don't know. We all have dreams. I mean, being in a band seemed like the ultimate thing for me! I'm someone who's idolized bands like Rush, Radiohead, Switchfoot, Anberlin, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers, Fleetwood Mac...the list goes on, trust me. I just wanted to be a part of something bigger than just me, ya know? I want to create with other people,...form not just a band...but a bond. But that's where reality comes into play. Being in/starting a band doesn't equal all that!! There are disagreements, betrayals, and differring goals. I also live in a place where the musician pool's pretty small as it is without getting specific about goals. (All that...AND I shake like a leaf on stage alone. So "solo" scares the sanity out of me.)
So here I am at 10:52 pm central time at a desk somewhere in Illinois trying to map out my life as the rest of my family sleeps peacefully. Why do I worry like this? By the way, if you're still reading this, you're crazy. And I thank you. I haven't even begun to share all my thoughts yet, but I figure I'd better stop since it's quite probable that no one will ever read it anyway and I'm wasting my time. But I feel better now that I've put that all out there. All I can do is hope, pray...and...the biggest struggle of all for me with both God and man.....trust. -Chris
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