Once upon a time a little girl would rush out the back door every morning and stop dead in her tracks the moment she reached a patch of sun. She'd close her eyes, breathe in...and smile. She'd then run to the swing set and begin her childhood duty of playtime. She'd imagine she was a flight attendant, movie director, waitress...she'd even throw a large bouncy ball up into the air and "play catch with God". No, she was never short on imagination. When she played Barbies, there were no tea parties. Her sessions with them were mini soap operas. Overactive thinkers aren't satisfied with tea and cookies.
Fast forward a few years and the girl was still quite little in form, but growing up fast. The swing set has been long idle, and the Barbies have been stowed away in the attic for future times of nostalgia. Instead she now picks up a pen and notebook and sits on her front porch...once again over analyzing life. She has a hard time relating to people in her fourth grade class because of this. She simply thinks too much. Adults call her "mature"...responsible...She says she's just weird. Doesn't quite fit in...hasn't grown into her thoughts.
Seven years later, she's still the same cautious, imaginative person she's always been, but everything's starting to come full circle. The years of being an only child have been balanced out by the arrival of a sibling. She's learned to accept who she is and stop apologizing for it. High school has brought the realization that she could always relate to people...she was just afraid to. She's spent a good deal of her life in fear. There really wasn't any reason for it. Yes, people let her down and took advantage of her compassionate spirit...but she also had a loving, supportive family. She'd allowed herself to dwell on all she was not and on all the people that had lied to her. She hid herself away for a while...and almost shut everyone out all together...in an attempt to never be hurt by people again.
When she lost someone she dearly loved with all her heart..she felt the old familiar feelings of isolation, doubt, and fear. She retreated into herself again...melting into the music in which she felt safe. She somehow felt like once again she'd loved & lost. But this time for good. Eventually, though, she came to see that she'd left someone very important out of her life lately. He'd always been there...in her faith, doubt, pain, joy, laughter, mourning....and she'd just denied Him over & over assuming He'd let her down too..like everyone else. She told Him she could handle it all on her own. She didn't want to need anyone...because needing and loving makes one vulnerable. It leaves you unguarded. However, that's the only way to truly love.
People started showing up in her life that reminded her of this. She felt herself opening up again...and she was afraid. Terrified. Someone was cracking open her shell...and He wasn't hurting her. As she sat on her front porch once again, years later with an old acoustic guitar in her hands and her heart on her sleeve, she felt Him telling her to just let it all go. To trust Him. Trust? Her young, broken heart wasn't sure it could. But he said if she'd let Him...He could. He could do it all. He didn't need her help to fix her. She was beautifully broken...and He loved her so, so incredibly much. And she cried. And the bitterness left with the tears.
So now she's fully alive...and she can't keep a smile off her face most of the time. The glass isn't half empty or full...but running over. Things aren't perfect..and they'll most likely only get harder...but she's loved. She's safe in Him. She's going to be more than she could've ever been without Him. And so she posts this (unashamed & without reserve) in hopes that someone out there in this world will stumble upon it when reading through random Blogger.com blogs and understand how infinitely valued and cherished they are. Go forth and live. ~C
Monday, July 26, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Burn Out Brighter (Northern Lights)
Wow. It's been quite a while. A lot's happened in the past three months. The song for this post really reflects my mood at the moment...and yet I'm more optimistic than it seems.
Let me start out by saying that what you want is rarely what you need. All the things I thought I had figured out have fallen apart...and I'm surprisingly happy and at peace with that. At first it was very difficult to accept. I felt like a part of me had died. When you have a dream for so long and hold onto it with all you have, it's so painful to let go. I honestly cried over it...but I had to surrender it to God and let Him do with it what He would. As it turns out, sometimes (as I've heard it said) good things really must fall apart so great things can come together.
Eventually you must come to the end of yourself. You realize that you're one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet and nothing you have is deserved. Every breath you take and day you wake up is like a loan. You pay it back by using them to serve others. See, I guess what made me start blogging on this site again was what happened to me Monday of this week. I served lunch at a soup kitchen for the first time because I was tired of just talking about doing it.
I knew going into it that it would make a huge impact on me...but I had no idea how profound it would be. I arrived at the local church I'd be serving with at 10:00 am. They were heating this chicken cassarole in large pans, and I was instructed to keep an eye on it. I struck up a conversation with an elderly man who attended the church. We talked about many things, but what stayed with me was that we were from two seperate churches, genders, generations...etc...and here we were coming together over a chicken cassarole that we'd be serving at a soup kitchen. When it was time to leave, I got in a van with an elderly couple and mentally prepared for it. I'd hear all the horror stories....people trying to mug you, pedophiles staring you up and down...all the absurd things you hear from people who mean well but honestly don't understand the heart of service. When we arrived, I was struck by the respect and manners these people were portraying. One of the owners/leaders of the facility said it was a rehibilitation center and these individuals were taught to be courteous and thankful for the services rendered. I can honestly tell you I didn't serve ONE person that day who didn't make an attempt to thank me. I was at least 10 years their junior and yet they were saying things like "Yes, Ma'am". I was floored. In shock. My view of the homeless/needy was forever altered. It wasn't ever that I felt more important or "above" them...I just never thought they'd be so respectful.
In serving, I realized that we're all the same. The earth at the foot of the cross is level indeed (as, once again, my pastor says) and we're no better nor worse than anyone else. We need to apply this truth in the way we treat eachother. If we all treated ourselves who are so well off as those people did, this world would be transformed. However, everyone's too self-centered/absorbed to notice anyone else!!! It just solidified the fact that the more material possessions/success you have, the less you recognize your need for God and everyone else's need for common decency/consideration. We judge prematurely and never give anyone a chance. Those individuals had nothing, and in that they were all equals. Why can't we see that?? We too have nothing! All of depraved humanity is THE SAME!! Why do we begin to operate on a self-serve basis and plow over anyone in our way? We put ourselves on these pedastils and it's an absolute shock to us when they crumble.
Life is about relationships...first and foremost ours with Jesus Christ, and then how we relate to others. Don't miss that part of life and serving others just so you can climb this "ladder of success" we're all indoctrinated to pursue through the subliminal messages of the media (which is a whole other post, thanks)!!! *sigh* Ok, guess I'll stop now. Seek and serve. ~C.
(Don't forget guys, the title's the song title and the lyrics to find it through Google are tagged! Peace, Blogspot. ~C.)
Let me start out by saying that what you want is rarely what you need. All the things I thought I had figured out have fallen apart...and I'm surprisingly happy and at peace with that. At first it was very difficult to accept. I felt like a part of me had died. When you have a dream for so long and hold onto it with all you have, it's so painful to let go. I honestly cried over it...but I had to surrender it to God and let Him do with it what He would. As it turns out, sometimes (as I've heard it said) good things really must fall apart so great things can come together.
Eventually you must come to the end of yourself. You realize that you're one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet and nothing you have is deserved. Every breath you take and day you wake up is like a loan. You pay it back by using them to serve others. See, I guess what made me start blogging on this site again was what happened to me Monday of this week. I served lunch at a soup kitchen for the first time because I was tired of just talking about doing it.
I knew going into it that it would make a huge impact on me...but I had no idea how profound it would be. I arrived at the local church I'd be serving with at 10:00 am. They were heating this chicken cassarole in large pans, and I was instructed to keep an eye on it. I struck up a conversation with an elderly man who attended the church. We talked about many things, but what stayed with me was that we were from two seperate churches, genders, generations...etc...and here we were coming together over a chicken cassarole that we'd be serving at a soup kitchen. When it was time to leave, I got in a van with an elderly couple and mentally prepared for it. I'd hear all the horror stories....people trying to mug you, pedophiles staring you up and down...all the absurd things you hear from people who mean well but honestly don't understand the heart of service. When we arrived, I was struck by the respect and manners these people were portraying. One of the owners/leaders of the facility said it was a rehibilitation center and these individuals were taught to be courteous and thankful for the services rendered. I can honestly tell you I didn't serve ONE person that day who didn't make an attempt to thank me. I was at least 10 years their junior and yet they were saying things like "Yes, Ma'am". I was floored. In shock. My view of the homeless/needy was forever altered. It wasn't ever that I felt more important or "above" them...I just never thought they'd be so respectful.
In serving, I realized that we're all the same. The earth at the foot of the cross is level indeed (as, once again, my pastor says) and we're no better nor worse than anyone else. We need to apply this truth in the way we treat eachother. If we all treated ourselves who are so well off as those people did, this world would be transformed. However, everyone's too self-centered/absorbed to notice anyone else!!! It just solidified the fact that the more material possessions/success you have, the less you recognize your need for God and everyone else's need for common decency/consideration. We judge prematurely and never give anyone a chance. Those individuals had nothing, and in that they were all equals. Why can't we see that?? We too have nothing! All of depraved humanity is THE SAME!! Why do we begin to operate on a self-serve basis and plow over anyone in our way? We put ourselves on these pedastils and it's an absolute shock to us when they crumble.
Life is about relationships...first and foremost ours with Jesus Christ, and then how we relate to others. Don't miss that part of life and serving others just so you can climb this "ladder of success" we're all indoctrinated to pursue through the subliminal messages of the media (which is a whole other post, thanks)!!! *sigh* Ok, guess I'll stop now. Seek and serve. ~C.
(Don't forget guys, the title's the song title and the lyrics to find it through Google are tagged! Peace, Blogspot. ~C.)
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