Comfortably Numb.

So, looking back on my previous post, I noticed something about myself. I already knew I over analyzed everything, but I didn't know it was THAT bad. Anyway, my doctor feels that this mysterious stomach pain I've had for a year now is actually related to depression instead of an underlying illness. I have to say, I think he's right. Researching depression in adolescents has really opened my eyes. I read the articles and it's like looking into a mirror or something. So I'm going to see a counselor to help me sort stuff out. I feel like a crazy person confessing that, but I think it's for the best. I don't want to "lose" myself, my soul and passions that is, in this counseling. I just want to feel alive again.

One thing that's been helpful to me lately is knowing my personality. I took a Meyers' Briggs personality test and got the result, "INFJ". I highly recommend that everyone takes a test like this in their lifetime. Every insecurity I've ever had, each habit....it all makes sense now. I don't feel so completely foreign in my own body anymore. I've always felt misunderstood and...I don't know...."strange" I guess. As it turns out, my personality only makes up 1.5% of the total population. Now I feel unique, but not abnormal. This is a good feeling for once. One of the lines I read in the personality description, "Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life"...really resounded with me. It went on to say that my mind is very complex and I confuse MYSELF sometimes. How true! I won't bore you with my own results...take it for yourself! This is a relatively quick version of it, but I got the same result as with others. The key is to be HONEST. Here it is:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Anyway, I discovered Thom Yorke of the groundbreaking band Radiohead shares my personality. I guess I understand one more reason why I love them. It's good to know you're not totally alone in the world, even if it seems that way. As it turns out, plenty of wonderful people were INFJs...and I hope one day I can be one of them. I deeply and truly want to help this hurting planet somehow. Sometimes it just feels like the weight of the world's on my shoulders, working its way to my chest so I can barely breathe. There's so much I can visualize/envision as an idealist that just doesn't jive with the things I see around me, and it's often very discouraging. It's comforting to know these feelings and this "depression" are linked with my personality and I'm not compeltely psychotic. However, I WILL get help with sorting out all these thoughts and emotions so I can be the best "me" possible. If I want to change the world, I must start with myself (to paraphrase the Gandhi quote). Anyway, here's to writing songs only you can hear and reaching for what lies beyond. ~C.