Yesterdays.

In loving memory of Rosemary Giammarese: A post I'm writing as it pops into my head. Everything I couldn't say Tuesday night when she passed away.

My breath catches as I stand in the doorway. I see you lying there, motionless. This isn't you. I stare at your chest, waiting for it to rise and fall once again....There must be some mistake. This isn't happening. I stumble forward, grabbing hold of the foot of the bed for stability. My knees are quivering, and I begin to sway as the room begins to spin slowly. It feels like I've swallowed a lump of coal and it's decided to sit heavily in my stomach. I'm growing nauseous. Someone grabs me as I begin to fall. Suddenly I'm sitting in a chair, staring blankly ahead. I sit motionless for what seems like hours. I'm in a state of complete shock, and my mind goes blank. However, the hours are mere moments, and soon I'm flooded with memories. I fish a tissue out of the pocket of my favorite green hoodie as a lump develops in my throat. I hear a terrible sound...a sob that's so heartbreaking I think that whoever it belongs to must be in agony....I discover it's mine. The tears come in uncontrollable streams. I'm gasping for air, and someone's holding me. I can't look at you right now. It all happened so quickly....I never got to say goodbye. The thought brings another pang of pain to my heart. You died alone in this place....another stab of guilt. The nurse says some need to die alone. They can't let go if family is there. A lot of people are saying a lot of things. They're sorry, but I don't get why. I guess that's a safe thing to say. It's comfortable. The phrase is like putting a band aid on a scab. It doesn't do any good, but at least it makes you feel like you're doing something about it. There's also the people that immediately bring up something about God and heaven. At the moment I'm not sure how I feel about either of them.

More people come in the room, and I try to compose myself. They're starting to put your belongings in boxes and bags. It's time for each of us to say our goodbyes. But you told me to never say goodbye. You said it was too final. "Say farewell!" was your only command...because you'd see me again soon. So as I sit here, staring at you with a mix of horror, adoration, and confusion, I won't say goodbye. I say farewell. I can't think of what I want to say. I start to sing in a soft wisper. I sing your favorite songs...."Amazing Grace", "How Great Thou Art", "To God Be The Glory"...and "Take Me Back To Sorento" in Sicilian. I begin to weep again, remembering the days when your aged, yet beautifully passionate voice would join my young, inexperienced one. A smile is toying with the corners of my mouth as I realize this body lying on this bed isn't you anymore!! This shell is all that's left...and your soul is free! As Dad says, you're now with the two greatest loves of your life...Papa Santo and your Lord Jesus Christ! Even though I have so many questions about where you are right now, this peace that surpasses all understand MUST be from God. So my laments are bittersweet....a broken hallelujah. I'll be missing you for as long as I live...but I'm so excited for you. Heaven has gained the beautiful sould we've lost. Yet your soul is so very alive in mine. You're in every sunrise....each rainbow. You're in my smile. I couldn't forget you if I tried. As you say.."So long!....I'll be seeing you." I'll be loving you always. <3