Shadow Boy.

Broken fragments of a memory,
fading to a soft sepia.
Your hair's in  your eyes again.
We're laughing,
but I can't remember why.
Your sincerest laugh is
like a hundred bubbles popping
in afternoon sun.
Your eyes really are beautiful.
Each iris a vivid blue,
like an ocean just bound
to take me away.
You grab me up
onto your lap,
out of breath.
Somehow, I'm locking
everything in my mind,
because I know it
can't last forever.
We sit there silently,
two shadows in
the dusk.
I could die of
happiness.
I turn around
just to look at you.
I quietly memorize
each curve of your face.
I trace my finger along
the bridge of your nose,
over your subtle laugh lines,
and end up running all five
through your shaggy dark hair.
I smile as I compare my
creamy skin to your olive tan.
You're looking at me
like I'm the only girl
in the entire world.
Like only I could save you.
I wish I could have.
You squeeze me to your chest
like you could never even imagine
letting me go.
You taste like a summer night,
warm and alive.
You tell me all your hopes,
all your fears,
all your dreams.
We talk for hours,
and never seem to
run out of things to say,
or new things to discover
we have in common.
We finish eachother's sentences,
like punctuation at the end
of a phrase; so perfectly
I can't imagine living
without you.
You strum your guitar gently,
singing a familiar tune.
I harmonize with you,
two voices permanently
entwined, and forever
ingrained in my memory.
You say it's your "heaven".
Now it is my hell.
Now the sun has
finally set.
Shadows disappear.
I remember the
last time we said
goodbye.
I kissed you like
I'd never see you again,
like I always seemed to.
You said you were cold.
You went inside.
I drove away.
The truth came out,
and I am left to wonder
what the hell I did wrong.
I am desperately afraid
to ever love again.
Months have gone by.
Half a year, in fact.
Over and over we'd
talk, fight, block...
Try to be friends.
Impossible.
You've turned into
this monster....
I am afraid of you.
I am scared of the thing
I loved more than life itself.
I loved you so much,
that I almost didn't care
about what you did with her.
I almost did anything
just to keep you here.
I don't want who you are.
I want you you were.
I am mourning the death
of my first love.
I wish I could bury him.
I wish I could forget you
just like everyone else
I've had to bury and grieve over.
But you're still here.
You're still breathing the same oxygen,
walking the same earth,
and doing everything you used to.
But there is a darkness about you now.
You aren't him.
WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIM?!
How could you kill someone so beautiful?!
You wonder why we can't be friends?
You killed half of my heart.
You are an imposter.
If he still lives somewhere
beyond the sun, laughing atop
a roof in the afternoon,
tell him I'm looking for him.
You'll know who he is.
My shadow boy.



Christina Sawyer (c) 2012.