and i am

when you don't fit
and the colors run
i sometimes envy
everything you've ever had
because you had it all
the friends you could
walk through the woods with
and camp with
or talk about stupid bands with

and i was the fat girl.

you used to play together
all day and into the night
running in and out of
eachothers' houses
and you had a crush
on her since you were
in elementary school
how was i supposed
to compete with that

and i was the stupid girl.

your friends know all your
other friends and you all
have stories about growing up
and doing stupid things
but i didn't really have friends
growing up i was usually
thinking about tragedies
or worrying about
when i would die

and i was the worried girl.

you said the only reason
you picked up a guitar
was because her dad
said you should and you
said ok and it turned
out you like it enough
but the fact remains
that someone had to
tell you to do it
whereas the only
reason i learned
that keyboard by ear
as a kid was because
it would listen
and it would talk back

and i was the hidden girl.

so i suppose you will
never understand
the scars i have
on my heart
nor will you understand
that you put some of
them there and
i cry when i see
pictures of you and them
because you had friends
and you always acted
like everyone hated
you and no one was
ever there and your
life was such a
mess and blah blah blah
spoiled rich yuppie
who doesn't know
what he had or
what he still has

and i am the smarter girl.

Christina Sawyer (c) 2012